brycas

FINAL ESSAY

2006-05-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

I can't think of a place in the world that would argue that without your senses, all 5 of them, you would be missing a major facet of your life. Millions of people around the world are DYING to experience the little things everyday that I take for absolute granted. I walk down our street with the confidence that I will be able to see and hear oncoming cars. I wake up in the morning to the smell of bacon cooking in the pan, and then I am able to taste every bite. And every day I can touch my kids cheeks without even thinking about the fact that some people don't have that luxury. Then I wonder where my life would be without these things. How would my life be affected by the absence of something, or 5 somethings, that I have always taken for granted? What exactly would I be missing?

It is about 7:30 am, my kids have been sleeping in bed with me since my husband left for work. Every morning I am woken up to the exact same thing. My daughter crawls over to my space and gives me a kiss. Sometimes on the cheek, sometimes on the nose, and sometimes right on the smacker. There is nothing more perfect than starting the day with a voluntary kiss from my girl just because she wants to. And I love it. I look forward to waking up in the morning because I know that when I open my eyes, I am going to see my beautiful smiling girl looking back at me. It is not long before my son wakes up with a goofy smile and jumps right on my stomach, gives me a hug, and says "Good Morning, Mumma. Can we watch a show?" We turn on "Little Einsteins" and I just sit back and watch them both dance and sing to the beat. Sometimes I try to sneak in a couple more minutes of shut eye, but who am I kidding? It doesn't actually work that often. Then I get to thinking... What if I couldn't feel my daughters touch? I wouldn't be able to feel her kiss on my cheek? Would I wake up or sleep right through it? What if I was blind and couldn't see her looking over me when I opened my eyes? Would I know she was there? And if I couldn't see, then my son jumping on my stomach would become a sneak attack...unless I couldn't feel. Then I wouldn't even know he jumped. And to not be able to hear them squeal with delight at the fact that Rocket rescued Annies birthday balloons? Well that would just be a tragedy. I love being able to do these things. I have never thought about not being able to do these things.

After lunch, we take a walk to the ocean. A lot of the time I carry my daughter, but sometimes she walks. After about 15 seconds, the smell of the ocean blasts us. We can hear the waves crash on a windy day. My son loves to go down on the rocks and look for crabs. The seaweed is slimy, but he loves it. We eventually find a whole family of crabs and my son shreiks with laughter when I tell him that they are going to get his toes. He starts jumping up and down and Casey starts laughing at the sight of her brother being foolish. She has been throwing rocks in the water and walks back to me.
"Uup, Uuup" she says. I pick her up and she lays her head on my shoulder. It is time to go home and take a nap. Bryce wants to hold my hand back across the rocks. We climb up the stairs and on to the road. Bryce makes me look both ways (Good boy!!) and then wants me to pick him up, too. I look a little foolish, but I put him on my back and carry her on my hip. A 3 minute walk takes 10, but we make it! They are asleep within minutes of their head hitting the pillow. I look at them resting so peacefully. But I wonder, if I couldn't feel, could I still carry my daughter? Would I know that I was holding my sons hand, besides being able to see that I am? If I couldn't smell, the ocean air would just be air. If I couldn't hear, what would I think when my kids laughed? That they have a nice smile? My "nap"turns in to a time of reflection. Not very restful, but pretty insightful.

Night time is usually a bit busier for us. Funny, because that is when my husband is home. First, we cook dinner. My favorite is when we barbeque on the grill. Anything. Hamburgers, steaks, spareribs. The smell of a barbeque is the smell of summer. And YUMMY. There is nothing more satisfying then the taste of a good burger. We all play outside for a while after dinner. Bryce loves to kick his soccer ball and Casey loves to swing. Sometimes we sit out by our little fire pit and roast marshmallows. Sometimes we take a ride and go get an ice cream cone. It is very relaxing. Bath time follows, then bed time shortly after. Now that it is staying light a lot later, their bedtime seems to have crept up to 8:30, sometimes 9:00. We read a book or 2 and tuck them in. Sometimes we fall asleep when we are tucking them in. I woke up the other night at 11:30. I was up in my sons room. My arm was draped over his side and he was holding my hand. We had both fallen asleep when I was telling him the story of the dinosaurs. Must have been some story. We both conked out. I gave him a kiss and went downstairs. My day was over. But again I think, what if I couldn't have done half of the stuff that we did tonight? I could still be there physically, but the experience wouldn't be the same. Without smell, a barbeque would be just another burger. Without taste, I probably wouldn't eat meat, because meat doesn't look all that appealing. Without feeling, I couldn't kick a ball or push a swing. Without smell and taste, ice cream would be useless. My soft serve twist on a cone would just be a cone. And without ice cream, where would people turn for comfort food?

What do I love? I love the FEEL of holding my kids hands when we are walking to the ocean or carrying them back when they are tired. I love to feel their kisses on my cheek. I love the way it feels to wipe their mouth free from crumbs and I love to feel them jump on my belly first thing in the morning...I love to HEAR their laugh. How innocent and blissful they are. I love to hear "I love you, Mumma". I love to hear them fight and I love to hear them make up. And I love to hear the new words my daughter says everyday...I love to SEE them smile and I love to see the new worms my son finds in the sand box (he is so proud!). I love to see my husbands truck coming down the road at night after work. I love to see the 5 o'clock News at night ( I'm a glutton for punishment)...I love to TASTE dinner and I love the taste of ice cream and marshmallows (not at the same time). I love the taste of water after a jog and I love the way my daughters fingers taste when she is sharing her fruit snacks with me...I love the SMELL of my kids hair after their bath, and I love the smell of a clean diaper (or the absence of a dirty one!) I love the smell of the ocean air and I love the way my husband smells when he has just been cutting trees or brush with his chainsaw (I don't know why, I just do!) All of these things are pretty simple. But they are all things that I would not be able to experience if I was missing one of my senses. My days would be missing something that is so important to me. But they are all things that I have taken for granted. I love the fact that I have the gift of all of my senses. I love my life.

Graf #15-Course Evaluation

2006-05-09T08:31:00.000-04:00

PART 1:

What I learned: That I should probably have a journal...I love to write. It is therapeutic and didn't really seem like work after I got a topic in my mind to write about. MOST of the time the words just came out faster than I can type (I can't type worth a toad...) but then there were other times that I wanted to bust my computer out of shear frustration!!

Whether it surprised me in any way: I was very (pleasantly) surpised to learn that it wasn't your ol' high school English...thank goodness. I didn't like my H.S. English class...it was too technical and drab. This made me think about things more real than how to cojugate the 3rd verb in the 2nd paragraph to the nth degree...

Was it worth my time and money? Yes, definitely. Though over the last 15 weeks, I have stayed up 2 hours past my bedtime 2 times a week...losing 4 hours a week for 15 weeks, that is 60 hours of sleep lost in 15 months...and I have never felt better or like less of a mind moosh (sometimes it feels like my brain is made up of potatos and all I can think about is poopy diapers!...Not now though!!)

What was good: Thinking about something other than poopy diapers...growing some brain cells...sweeping out the cob webs of my dead brain cells...realizing that my children CAN entertain themselves for at least a little while...passing the course (!?!?!)

What was not good: The pit I got in my stomach right before I checked the comments on my essays to see if I had to re-write...

Things that should be changed: My socks, my pants, my hairstyle every couple of months, my opinion of English courses from now on...(from bad to good)

Things that should stay the same: my husband (he's a keeper), my morals, and my career goals...and this English course...

Any miscellaneous advice? All joking aside, I loved this course. There wasn't much that I didn't like and not a lot I would change. No, I am not one of those people who can't seem to form my own opinions, I just really did like the course. I had to work hard at it, and some nights when I woke up in the middle of the night, I would not be able to get back to sleep because I was thinking about what my next essay should be about, but I liked that. Before this course, and before I realized what I wanted to do with my (professional) life, I was just kind of floating along. Since realizing what career path I wanted to take, things are kind of opening up for me. This was the first course that I took since "going back to school", and if the beginning is any indication of the end, then I should have a pretty good time of this whole school thing.

Part 2:

I liked writing the prompt "These fists have got pow-pow-power!!" because it was a prompt that I had no idea what I was going to write about before I sat down to the computer, it all just kind of came out when I started punching the keys. My kids are my world and if anything ever happened to them, I would not be a portion of the person that I am right now. If my hands (right or left) can possibly prevent it, then nothing will ever happen to them. Whatever it takes is whatever I will do to protect them from anything that could hurt them. And that is what this prompt helped me to write about.

Prompt Reaction Week #15

2006-05-08T08:44:00.000-04:00

3. Something Weird...

A dandelion in the middle of winter, poking through the snow...
My car door locks by itself...
Our kids will sleep until 8 am when they are sleeping in our bed, but only until 5:30 when sleeping in theirs...
The color chartreuse...
The WORD chartreuse...
The DOODLEBOPS...
The Catepillars with soft, spikeys on their backs...
When you stare at a word for long enough, it doesn't even look like it is supposed to be a word...
The fact that all M&M's taste the same regardless of their color...
Bald Eagles aren't really bald at all...
Ants can carry about 100 times their weight...all for the love of food...
I hate chocolate and I despise milk, but I LOVE chocolate milk...
The ocean can carry the most beautiful and most repulsive smell, all within 4 hours of each other...
Flying squirrels don't really fly, they glide...
My kids hate vegetables, but they will both eat broccoli...
Liver...its smell, its taste, and consistency...all weird, weird, weird...

Freestyle Week #15

2006-05-08T08:27:00.000-04:00

Week #15, huh? 15 weeks of making my mind think of things that I haven't thought about for 15 years. 15 weeks of thinking of something other than just my kids. 15 weeks of writing more than I have written since my senior year in high school. 15 weeks of staying up after my kids go to bed so I can think without having to think about anything else. 15 weeks of letting strangers hear (read) my stories, and they no longer feel like strangers...strange, because I have never even met them before. 15 weeks seemed to go by pretty quickly, just to start a new class in a couple of weeks. What a long, strange trip it's been...but a good one to say the least!

Practice Final Essay

2006-05-03T21:19:00.000-04:00

I hate accessories! From the time I was little, I was never the type of girl to wear lots of jewelry, have expensive clothes, closets full of shoes, and bling-bling on my cell phone cover. I don't carry my mini-mut dog in my $1,000 purse (or do they call it a handbag?) and I don't take hours to get dressed and do my hair and make-up in the morning. I used to envy the girls who had all the "stuff". I used to say that someday when I could afford it, I would have all of it. Now that I can afford all the "stuff", my views have changed and the stuff doesn't seem as important to me as it once used to. Now the handbags and cellphones, cars, and houses just don't take the front seat on my wish list like they once used to. Now I think I am grown up enough to realize that it is not the accessories that make or break your life. Accessories don't define my status. They don't make me friends. And they don't define who I have become as an adult.

Some people want nice things. A lot of times that leads to the assumption that ones life is better than mine because they have more/nicer things. I once was the kind of girl that wanted the $1,000 handbag. Or at least, I wanted to be that girl who seemed to have it all. There was a girl at my high school like this. We were on the soccer team together. I always envied her. She always had the nice stuff. Great clothes, her hair always freshly highlighted, never a root showing. She also had a cell phone before people carried cell phones. When I was carrying around my soccer ball on school spirit day saying it brought me luck, she was carrying around her Prada handbag saying that she couldn't live without it. She was the kind of girl that loved the boys and traded them in every couple of months for a newer model. I always saw her as someone I wanted to be. Not because of the way she acted, because quite frankly, her attitude wasn't all that appealing. I wanted to be like her because she always looked good and she always had the latest stuff, trends, and fashions. Unfortunately, to a girl in high school, that is a big deal. Fast forward a couple of years to the present though, and it turns out that all that stuff never really gained her all that much after all. I ran in to her in a gym about a year ago, and it seemed that nothing had changed. She had the best workout clothes on and was wearing all her jewelry. She was on the treadmill and not a drop of sweat bothered her forehead. How did she do it? When we actually got to talking though, it was only then that I realized that the stuff you carry and wear has no bearing on the kind of person you become. She was going through a divorce and was trying to get money out of her husband because she didn't work. I don't think that she knew how to. She said that she hadn't talked to any of her friends in high school since high school because their lives just when in a different direction than hers. She looked sad and worn down but still her makeup was perfectly in place. I could tell she was lonely because she just kept on talking. She asked about me. I mentioned that I was married with 2 kids and worked at the daycare that my kids go to. She quickly changed the subject back to her and said that she has never worked a day in her life and never will if she has anything to say about it. We left at the same time. She grabbed her Prada "gym bag" and I grabbed mine from Walmart donned with some baby formula and cookie crumbs. She got in her $40,000 car and I got in my...car. I always thought that I wanted to be like her. And that I would have given anything to be like her. That her life must be so amazing because she had all the "stuff". Now there is nothing that I would give to be like her.

Some people want nice houses. And in those houses they want the nicest things. And believe me, I want a nice house. I have a nice house. But mine is a different kind of nice. Some of the things within my house are alittle dinged up. There happens to be a mural on the bathroom wall from when our son was experimenting with his new crayons. Some people, though treat their house like a temple. They see a 3 year olds fingerprints as a hassle and a toddlers dinner crumbs as a nuisance. Especially because those dinner crumbs might land on their expensive kitchen furniture. I see fingerprints on windows as a celebration. Yes, I have to work a lot harder than some to keep my house clean and sometimes, I am just too tired to keep up with my kids activity levels and staying on top of the laundry. Some people would see toys on the floor and scoff. I see toys on the floor as a learning tool to teach my kids to help with chores. Some people are appauled at the sight of dust. Dust in our house is a way of life. Somewhat of an "accessory". Everyone has different views, I understand. And when someone has worked all of their life for the nice things, I understand that they want things their way. But when it starts to interfere with enjoying your family because you are too worried about having to clean up afterwards, then maybe one should re-evaluate what is truly important. I recently heard someone say that they could have all of the nicest things. Great cars, the biggest best homes and all the gadgets. But in 20 years after you have raised your kids, your house isn't going to hug you back, and neither will your kids if you so choose to burn those bridges because of the simple fact that you don't want a stain on your expensive area carpet or a ding in your wall. Accessories aren't going to be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. My family will.

Some people want the nicest cars. I don't know if these people have looked at the gas prices lately, but maybe biggest isn't the best way to go right now. My economical little car got us all the way to Boston and half of the way back without another fill-up. Some of the cars that I saw down there couldn't possibly get them down the street they live on without a fill-up. And these nice cars still break down like all the rest. The owners of these cars probably just don't have them for long enough to get to that point. I saw one car down in Boston that while it was very nice, it probably costs more than the house that we live in. Why? These people make more money in a year than I will make in my lifetime. I know that they have to spend it somehow. I can just think of a million better things to spend it on than the gas to get them there.

In the end, accessories are fine. So many people, though, let accessories define who they are. I have nice things. I have a happy life. I have a nice house and a nice car. But my things aren't so nice that I have a panic attack when I see my kids enter the house and I don't worry about our daughter getting some of her ice cream cone on her car seat as it melts down her arms. I take care of my things and I don't take them for granted, but I don't let it define who I am. The things that make me me have nothing to do with the kind of cell phone that I carry. They don't have anything to do with the clothes I wear. It gives me more pleasure to see my kids in a cute little outfit. And besides, whenever I try to wear something cute, someone spills, poops, or throws up on it...no fail. I don't let it bother me. I don't crumble in to pieces. I just simply buy extra laundry detergent. I don't fret about fingerprints on the french doors. I just buy extra Windex and I get to it when I get to it. Accesories are nice. They can make me feel good. But I am not me because of them.

Freestyle Week #14

2006-05-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox and Yankees...
Arguably the Earths most heated rivalry. They lived up to the hype on Monday. There could not have been a more perfect day than Monday. We woke up in our hotel room just as early as if we were home. Why sleep in? We wanted to get this day underway!! We walked around and decided to go to Fenway early to get our memorabilia so we could bring it to the car and not carry it around all day. After disposing of our bags in the car. We went right back to Fenway. It was only 11:00, but who cares? THe town was already buzzing with excitement. It was like it was a holiday. We went to the Cask 'n Flagon for lunch. Yummy. We sat by some Yankees fans. Funny, they were nice! By the time we left the restaurant, we walked down to the end of the street that Tom Caron and Dennis Eckersley do their commentary for NESN. We saw Curt Schilling drive in in his Maserati. Jason Varitek in his Land Cruiser. And Big Poppy in his decked out Hummer. His autograpgh was on the drivers side door and the #34 was enblazed in his rims. Nice. By that time it was 3:00. The skies were starting to cloud, but no worries! We took a tour of Fenway. Pretty neat. But as we were walking back down the street, we noticed this BIG group of people coming the other way on the same side of the street. Leading the pack was A-Rod. Walking down the street like a normal. He was close enough to touch and we made eye contact! Neat. A little tid bit I wont soon forget!!
The game was unreal. It couldn't have been scripted any better. Doug Mirabelli got introduced in the starting line-up and the place went WILD! He had just made it minutes before game time. Now Wakefield has a fighting chance to pitch a great game! Yaay! Lonestar sang the National Anthem. It was freezing cold. The biggest toughest men in the park were covered in fleece blankets. Johnny Damon was back in town and got booed incessantly until he tipped his cap and a few of the boos turned to applause. The Red Sox got a run (!!), the Yankees got 3 (@$%#!). The Red Sox came back and tied it and then went ahead by one! Not enough for people to relax, though. Bottom of the 8th. Two men on and Big Flippin' Poppy steps up to the plate and smashes one in to the bullpen!! The crowd went WILD, and all Damon could do was watch it go!! The crowd screamed and cheered for minutes. Strangers were hugging strangers. There was not a silent seat in the house. Ortiz did it again. The man is amazing. A baseball hero...especially that night. Pappelbon came in the 9th to close down the side and close out the game. Then it started to rain...
My voice is still hoarse. In fact it is a little worse today than yesterday. WE drove directly home after the game. We got home at 3:00 to our babies sleeping soundly. Woke up at 6:30 to our babies jumping all over us in excitement. We were home. Our weekend couldn't have been any better! And yes, there is a Starbucks on every corner!!

Prompt Week#14

2006-05-02T10:53:00.000-04:00

Jesus Loves Me...
This I know, for the Red Sox game told me so...So this is going to sound trite to anyone even vaguely religious or those sitting on the fence about religion. And even at the same time I say this, I believe what I believe about religion (no need to go any further than that) and I believe that Jesus loves Me. With all the bad going on in the world, all of the chaos of daily living, and how the world just seems to spin out of control sometimes, wouldn't it be nice to just have something truly work out in my favor? We have been watching the weather all week, starting at the earliest point that I could...10 days ago. It showed rain showers for Monday (last night), especially Monday night, all week. Being that the Red Sox/Yankees game started at 7:05 pm, the chances of a rain out, or at least mega-delays looked inevitable. Knowing that we paid more money than we probably should have for these golden tickets, (and yes...I would do it all over again), we were bummed. But we trudged on. Our Sunday was beautiful. We ate too much, talked to much, and drank a few brews with dinner. It was nice. Monday was GORGEOUS...maybe Mr. Weatherman screwed it up!! 3:00 came though, and it started to cloud up. "NO GOD, please let the rain just hold off...please, please, please!! I will do anything, just let the rain hold off!" It started to get very windy. Very windy at times, and COLD!! No need to try to dress up for this one, just get WARM! 5:00 came and the skies were slowly, but progressively getting darker. 7:05 game time, we are still okay. Then this happened and that, and man, I can't forget THAT (details of the game in the freestyle...), and at 10:15 the game ended in grand style. And at 10:17, it started to rain! The rain actually held off!! What a perfect ending to a perfect game!!

Essay #6-Effect

2006-04-25T06:16:00.000-04:00

To work or not to work...That is the eternal question on every new mothers mind, and I was no different. I wanted so desperately to stay home with my new little rugrat when he was born and hold him, love him, and spoil him ALL day long, but I ended up going back to work when he was 6 weeks old. When our daughter was born, I went back to work when she was 3 weeks old (RElax...I brought her with me!) I never got to stay home with them until now that they are a little bit older. And even though I still work, it is only 20 hours a week and at night after my husband gets home. So essentially, I am a stay-at-home-during-the most-important-part-of-their-day Mommy. And I love it. But believe me, there are huge benefits to working, too! Even for that 6 weeks and 3 weeks that I was out after our kids were born we felt the pinch of me being home. I can't imagine not having any income at all...

The first effect that me working has on us is relaxation from the fact that we can pay our mortgage on time. A "home" without a house to grow that home in is awkward to say the least. And our bank likes us. It is always good to stay on the right side of the bank. I have to admit, me working takes a lot of stress of my husband to pay all of the bills, and we seem to have more bills than the average Joe. I get to pay a chunk of them and keep our home heated...heat is good. So is a hot shower! And a happy husband. And the fact that he doesn't have to have a panic attack everytime a bill is due is an immediate effect of me working.

Another effect of me having a job to bring some income in is that we get to eat. A life without food is, well, empty. And I am one of those people that when I am hungry, I get irritable, when I am irritable, watch out! So we get to buy groceries knowing that the mortgage is paid, and the banks aren't going to repo our cars. We go shopping and we get what we want to eat. It is nice. We even get to make desserts. If my husbands were the only income then shopping for even food would be a task, and something to add stress. We in this house do not like stress and do not do well with it. An absence of (undue) stress is yet another effect of me working.

Lastly, by me working, we get to do some fun things without taking out a home equity loan or maxing out our credit cards to fund these fun things. Case and point. We get to go see the Red Sox and Yankees play ball in the best park in the history of baseball. And the only thing that we are worried about is our kids tearing down my sisters house when we are gone. And the Yankees winning...we are a little worried about that. But finances we are not because we have been able to save some money to take this fun trip without the kids (our first fun trip since before our daughter was born). We are going to go eat, sleep, and talk without interruption for 48 hours. We are going to go to the park and eat hotdogs, pretzels, and maybe even drink a (gasp!) beer without having to keep one eye on the game and one eye on our kids. We will be able to relax while screaming at those damn Yankees to go home. If it were not for me working, we would not be able to do these things because we would not be able to save. We would have to rob from our other bills and then stress about it when we got back. You can't truly relax if you know that you are coming home to a mound of stress...can you? Doing the fun things is one more effect felt by me having a job.

Every mother ponders the question at one point or another. Can we afford for me to stay home? For us the answer was no. Not completely anyways. So I am working. And we are comfortable and happy and don't have a lot of stress. Stress kills. We don't like that feeling. And though we can pay all of our bills and pay them on time, I may have to get a second job so we can afford enough gas to get me to my first job. We are still working out the kinks...
By me working, we get to eat, and we get to play. I guess there are three overall effects of me working. We get to relax, breath easy, and have fun. And that works for us.

Freestyle Week #13

2006-04-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

The Yankees are coming...THE YANKEES ARE COMING!! To Boston that is!! And we are going to be there to see it all, baby!! Monday May 1st, the first meeting of the season between the two, and I am going to be there!! I can hardly believe it!! We have been to our share of games, but never against the Yankees and never with Johnny Damon playing for the dark side!! It is going to be WILD! The popcorn, the lights, the Fenway Franks!! The masses of crazy fans on the verge of insanity! And I am going to be there. The countdown has begun, and I have already put the 10 day weather forecast for Boston on my Favorites List!! So far, so good!! In 7 days, we will be in the middle of the chaos and loving every minute of it...To Be Continued!!

Prompt Reaction Week #13

2006-04-24T12:44:00.000-04:00

April Fools X30
It was April Fools' Day. The year...well, I can't remember. But it was long enough ago. I was in 4th grade, my sister in 1st. We were waiting out by the road waiting for the bus, plotting how we could get our friends good on this "foolish" day. It had been snowing lightly, but we were unphased. The bus seemed to be late that day, but we thought it was because we got out there so early out of excitement. It had started to snow harder, so we went inside to get warm. Our dad told us to wait a little longer, the bus would be along. We trusted him, why wouldn't we? Ww knew that we could give pranks on this day, but never did we think we would get one (not like this anyways!) 10 minutes later, the snow was coming in blankets and sheets. No wonder the bus was late. At that point, our dad came out of ther garage in his van, warm and cozy. We were freezing our tooshies off. He said only this..."Gosh guys, school was cancelled over an hour ago, you should really get inside before you get cold!!" We could still hear him laughing as he drove down the road! April Fools Day to us!

Prompt Reaction Week #12

2006-04-15T09:44:00.000-04:00

54. Headin' down the highway...looking for adventure...
It was the summer between my junior and senior years. My best friends had all just graduated leaving me to fend off senior year by myself. My friends were the coolest, bestest, most amazing friends ever. One night they decided that they were going to go driving around at 2:00 am and wanted me to go with them. Of course this means that I would have to sneak out. So I thought I would be "clever" and ask Mom and Dad if I could set up the tent in the back yard and sleep there that night. They said yes and so the process started. My friends came early and tiptoed out back to wrap on my tent and off we went. We drove all around. We didn't do anything, we didn't get in to trouble, we just drove. And talked. And laughed. As we were going down the road, this song came on the radio. Of course, they all had to sing it at the top of their lungs and I was just laughing. A little Subaru wagon busting down the road with four kids inside singing "Born to be Wild" in every key but the right one. This was one of those times that I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to just take it all in and not forget a single detail, but instead I was right there in the middle of things belting it all out. I am sure that maybe I forgot a few of the details, but I have the most important parts of it etched in my memory. I got home that "night" right as it was starting to get light out. The dew on the grass left my footprints as I tried to race across the yard and passed my parents window. I got back to the tent and got maybe 1/2 hour of sleep between the time I settled down and the time my parents woke me up. I went inside the house and sat on the couch. My dad looked at me and said, "Ya know, I could have sworn that I heard voices out back last night, do you know anything about that?" He was smiling at me...I guess parents really do know all!!

Freestyle Week #12

2006-04-14T22:57:00.000-04:00

Son-of-a lovin-gun...I hate my computer...I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Never have I had anything make me feel so utterly stupid in all of my life. Well...one person made me feel that way once (utterly stupid, that is!) so I punched them in the nose. But because I am at the flippin' mercy of this g-d computer, I cannot punch it, I cannot yell at it ( I will wake up my kids), and I cannot hit it with the biggest sledge hammer I can find. So instead, I am going to go eat the BIGGEST bowl of Strawberry Ice Cream that my belly has ever had the pleasure of over indulging in, then I am going to go cry (in the bathroom with a towel over my face...so my kids don't wake up and think I am a lunatic...oh, what they don't know!), then I am going to go to bed. I will wake up tomorrow with a brighter outlook (because it doesn't get much darker than it is right now) and I will try this thing again. Oh, but have I mentioned how much I hate my computer?

ISEARCH FIRST DRAFT

2006-04-14T22:17:00.000-04:00

BACKGROUND

April 18th, 2002
Found out I was pregnant today!! It's about time! I am SO excited! I can't wait for him or her to come! I wonder what it will be...boy or girl...blue or pink? I wonder if I will be a good mom. Afterall, I have heard that in order to have a good kid, they need to have a good parent.

January 8, 2003-
HE'S HERE!! Our not so little bundle of joy came today at 7:58 pm. Holding him is like holding the world in my arms! But why am I so nervous? I am supposed to be so ecstatic. I am, but I think that I am just as scared that this little boys entire life is in my hands (literally and figuratively). What if I mess up? What if I don't do things right? I wonder what it takes to raise a good kid, I mean a REALLY good kid. I wonder if I should start reading those instructional books by the authors who are parents who seem to know all the answers. I wonder if they have "Parenting for Dummies"? Sounds like a good place to start! I wonder if we will have ANOTHER one?

October 8, 2003-
Well, my husband finally convinced me that we should have another child. Things are going so well with Bryce. He is a really good baby. Full of life and personality. He makes us laugh everyday. We don't want another one tomorrow or anything, but I think that we are going to at least start thinking about it.March 6, 2004-Found out I was pregnant today! So much for waiting a while. But things are going so well, why wait? This parenting thing has been an easier transition than I thought. Bryce will be a great big brother. He is such a kind little boy. He is 14 months so that will make him about 22 months when the new baby is born. I wonder how having a sibling will affect him? I wonder if the new baby will be just like him?

October 28, 2004-
SHE'S HERE!! Our tiny little peanut arrived today at 9:41 am. Bryce came to the hospital to see her. He gave her a BIG hug...probably a little TOO big, but she didn't seem to mind! She opened her eyes when she heard his voice! Casey already seems to be a little different than Bryce. More relaxed. God, I hope I can do this. I know that I am a good parent to one child, but now I have to divide my time. Give them both enough individual attention while making sure they know how important they are to each other. I wonder if Bryce will love Casey as much after he realizes that she is staying. I wonder if he will be jealous or if he will want to be around her all the time. I wonder if I can raise two really great kids...

WHY I AM WRITING

February 26th, 2006
The reason why I am choosing to do my isearch paper on my kids and raising them to be the best kids that they can be is because they came in to this world trusting me. Everyday, they put their lives in my hands hoping that I don't mess up. I know that I am a good mom, but sometimes I just want to sit down and cry because I just don't know if I am doing the right things to help them to grow in to good little people. I know that I am a good mom, but I am not blind to the fact that there are always things that I could work on. It is hard being a kid. And I want to make their learning processes as pain free as possible. So, I figure, why not make it official and start actively looking for the answers to my questions. These are questions that have been brewing in my mind for a variety of reasons over the last three years.

August 19, 2005
I got done working at the daycare today. It has been two years that we ( I bring my kids with me) have been there and I think that it was time for a change. I FINALLY get the chance to stay at home (for the most part) with them and now I have CONSTANT guilt that they are not around enough kids like they used to be. When they were in daycare, I worried that they were not getting enough quality time with me. Now that I am home with them, I feel guilty that they do not have 20 friends to play with everyday. HELP!!!

When should I really start concentrating on social development outside of the home?

Am I hindering their social development by not putting them in playgroups, or is it enough for right now that they have each other?

November 15, 2005
I think that I am just realizing that Bryce and Casey are two completely different beings. Sometimes I feel like they only thing they have in common is that they were grown in the same belly. I am still feeling guilt, but now it is because this discipline thing is HARD!! I feel like I spent more time with Bryce when he was going through his little trials because he was our only one. Now that we have two, I feel like I cannot spend as much quality time with Casey because life is now more of a juggling act. I am trying to kiss a scrape on Bryces knee while cleaning up the poop that just exploded up Casey's back. I feel like I am shortchanging Bryce because his time is now divided and I feel like I am shortchanging Casey because she never had that time. Sometimes I find myself comparing the two, but how can you fairly compare night and day?

How much does the simple difference that one is a boy and one is a girl matter on their personality? On their attitudes? On the things they like and don't like?

What is true of Nature vs. Nurture? I know that all kids are born with a certain disposition (Nature), but how much does my influences (Nurture) have an impact on those qualities that they are already born with?
How much does birth order affect their individual personalities? Attitudes?
Should I be disciplining Bryce and Casey the same way even though they are two totally different people?

January 27, 2006
They always act so much different around other people. Not in a bad way necessarily, but they really try to push the envelope when they are at Grammy and Grampy's house. New people, new things to get away with?

How much does it matter that outside influences (grandparents, babysitters) "parent" in the same way that I do? Does it help them to know that the rules are going to be the same no matter where they go?

February 26, 2006
Think that I will go work on my isearch some more. Lots of questions. A good kid starts with a good role model and a good role model HAS to know that a little help never hurt anyone!!

WHAT I KNOW

What I know about raising my kids to be the best kids that they could possibly be? I know all and I know nothing, depending on the day. Somedays, especially when things are really working and going smoothly, I am convinced that I could run a nation. On the not so hot days, changing a simple diaper confuses me. No point in taking over a nation on THOSE days.

What I know about my childrens socialization?
I know that when they had 20 kids to play with everyday in daycare, they played primarily with me. Now that they are no longer in daycare, I bring them to a playgroup thinking that they would be more than eager to leave Mumma's side for a bit and "chat" with little people their age. And who do they insist on playing with? Me! So either I have two mega-attached kids with a terrible case of separation anxiety, OR, maybe in the first couple of years of a childs life, it's not the quantity of kids to play with that matters, it is the quality of their interactions between people they choose ( and are made) to be around. Hmmm...

What I know about discipline?
I know that there is nothing more frustrating...or rewarding, than disciplining my children. I know that disciplining my three year old not only depends on the day, but the exact hour that we are in. A strategy that worked gloriously for me only minutes before (and made me beam with delight) may need to be thrown out the window only seconds later (and make me cry like a baby). With my 16 month old, the methods that worked well with Bryce when he was her age, don't work quite as well on Casey. She is new to this discipline thing, so consistency and follow through is key. When they both decide to have a tissy fit at the same time, we divide and conquer. My husband takes one and I take the other to calm them down separately and figure things out. This works. I did have someone say to me once (and sadly, I quote) "In order for me to respect a child, they need to show ME respect first and foremost!" What a bunch of hodge-podge, backwards thinking, holier than thou, I-walk-on-water-and-you-don't BULLSHIT! I have never felt more disgust towards a statement than that one. How can a child show you something that they are not being shown? She obviously never heard the phrase "lead by example". Maybe THAT is why I don't work for the lunatic at her daycare anymore...Hmmm...

I don't know a lot about birth order. I do know that my children are as different from each other as peas and carrots (or fire and water on some days). I don't know if it is because one is a boy and one is a girl. Or if it is because one was born first and one was born last. Or if it is just because. This should be fun.

I know that when they are in other places, we have to work just a wee bit harder than usual to keep them in check. My kids are explorers. They like to touch things, they like to see how things work (or how things break...) They like to climb and they like to jump. They know the boundaries at their own house, but when they are at Grammy and Grampys, or a friends house, or wherever, it takes some experimentation (and sometimes some discipline) to see where their boundaries are. They are fast learners and they listen well (most of the time, of course) so this is okay with me, too.

Finally, I know that I am CRAZY about my kids. I know that they are not perfect, but to me, they are a perfect 3 year old boy and a perfect 16 month old girl. I know they do all the things that kids their age are supposed to do (fits and tantrums included). I know they are the first to check on someone who is hurt and the first to kiss a baby when it is crying. I know that they are going to test their limits and push their boundaries. I know that they will not always choose right over wrong. And I know that it is up to me as their mommy to make sure they are guided in the right direction and to guide them with constant respect and encouragement. Because afterall, a child cannot show something that they are not being shown!

THE SEARCH

February 27th, 2006
Today was a great day. We went to a playgroup at the YMCA and the kids had a good time. They actually played with some other kids for about 30 seconds, too, which is longer than in the past. I think that I will go look online to see what they say about social interaction in kids. I also just read in a PARENTS MAGAZINE that socialization in children is SO important to many different areas of their lives, including self confidence. I have been watching the way other mothers interact with their children, too. This has been very helpful as a comparison tool for me in my research.

March 6, 2006
I have this book called "What Kids Need Most in a Mom". I have been reading it a lot lately. It gives a lot of good advice and actually has been a calming tool for me. This book has been super helpful and I will be using it a lot in my research.

March 11, 2006
My boy and my girl are polar opposites. I wonder why. I looked online at some websites today that explored differences between boys and girls. A couple of the sites I found said that a boys and girls brains are different from each other. I have also been reading some articles on the subject. Also in PARENTS MAGAZINE. It is insightful. I also talked to my mom today about what she thought about birth order. She has 4 girls. Most of the websites I found about birth order are interesting, but some are much too scientific and mumbo jumbo for me. My mom had much more to say about the topic that I could use. Though she did say that my sisters and I seem to go against the grain. I did find a site that was helpful for me to look at my kids birth order in figuring out their personalities, too. It turns out they go a bit against the grain, too. Wonder if its hereditary!!

April 2nd, 2006
We went to my parents today for my birthday. They did a great job. I like to watch the way they interact with others and if they listen to other adults like they listen to me, so I just sat back for a lot of the day and watched them with other people. This helped a lot in piecing together how and why they act differently around other people. I learned a lot today.

Overall, I have mostly used websites for information. There is a lot of information out there in lala land! The books and people resources that I have used along with the magazines, too, have been a big help. The research has been a lot of fun and I am looking forward to using some of what I learned to see if it works with my kids.

THE ANSWER

Questions, questions, questions...and ANSWERS!! First of all, in the grand scheme of things, every child is different no matter what. Whether it be nature, nurture, or a slew of other factors. As a parent, I worry about a lot. Mostly, whether I am being fair and balanced in my parenting. I want to do the right things for them. I am the one that they look to for guidance and support.

When should I really start concentrating on social development?
First of all, social development is not just playdates with every kid in town that is my childs age(Thank God!). It started from the minute my children were born. Interaction between humans is social. Threrefore, interaction with Mommy and Daddy is social. This means that "social" has been from day one. And the quality of interaction is what the child is yearning for the most. So in the first few years of life, my children learn the most from me. Of course, there is many different facets of a childs life, and while Mommy ans Daddy are going to teach a child a good base of rules and morals, that alone does not always give the child an outlet to experiment with what they have learned. Parent Center says that playing with friends is an important way for children to learn how to use the rules that they have learned such as sharing and taking turns. There is no point in teaching a child to take turns if there is no way to demonstrate what taking turns means. Playing with other children who are trying to learn the same things is quite often the best way to teach a child. Bryce and Casey have a definite advantage in this area. They are very close in age. Close enough so that everything they are learning, they are learning together. It is hard to rationalize with an 18 month old why they should share, but after seeing it and hearing it often enough, they start to get the picture. Casey is now quite good at taking turns because she has always had to do it. Her brother was at the point when she was born that we were really trying to teach him the benefit of sharing, so this has always been something that Casey has heard. This has helped her learn even faster that this is what she is supposed to do. Of course, it isn't always perfect either, but children also learn from their mistakes...

Am I hindering their social development by not putting them in a playgroup when I am essentially a stay at home Mom, knowing that this will be their primary form of social time with kids their age?
Of course, there comes a time that Mumma needs to swallow her pride and maybe bring my children to one of these (gasp!) playgroups. Bryce and Casey are rather outgoing as kids go. They are not overly shy, but they like to make sure that I am in sight. This is a healthy thing for them to do. Babycenter gave some suggestions for getting in to the swing of the playgroup thing. They suggest to keep playtimes short and small. And to get involved in my childs play, too. This will help to get the kids comfortable with each other knowing that there is also an adult around for support. The more they see kids on a fairly regualr basis, the more comfortable they will become with venturing out on their own and me keeping a distance. And if I don't expect perfection from my kids, then chances are, things will be just fine!! So I took them to one of these playgroups. The same one every week for a month. The first wee, they wanted nothing to do with the other kids, in fact I am not sure my kids even realized that other kids existed. But I took them out in the middle of the big gym floor and played NEAR other kids. The next week, some of the other kids joined in. By the 4th week the kids were playing together without me being right by their side to monitor every move they made. I got to relax and talk to some people, and they got to run around freely and really looked like they were enjoying themselves. BOTH of them!!

How much does the simple difference of Bryce being a boy and Casey being a girl have on their personality? Attitudes?
Boys and girls are as different as night and day, the sun and the moon, peanut butter and jelly...take your pick. I have always been able to describe Bryces personality, but when it comes to Casey, she baffles me. She is as complex as they get. I don't think that it is because one is a boy and one a girl. I think that it just is. I have read in Parents Magazine that one reason for the difference in the sexes is that boys and girls brains are much different. A girls verbal brain develops quicker than boys and this is why girls usually start taking sooner. This was not the case for us. Bryce talked VERY early. Casey is catching up, but he definitely had more words than she does at the same age. Boys spacial perception is bigger, making them better at geometric things. The spacial thing also seems to propel boys towards things that move like cars and balls. One thing that I know for sure. Bryce and Casey are not as different as I once thought. I don't know if it is because Casey just has such a strong yearning to do everything that Bryce does, but she likes to play with dinosaurs just as much as he does (and I bought her 3 dolls for Christmas!) she just bee lined to the Dinosaur Castle because that is where he was. She LOVES balls and LOVES it when Daddy tries to help her play golf. Girls brains are bigger in the area that controls emotion and empathy. Making them better able to predict other peoples feelings. Both of my kids are very empathetic. They stand at full attention when their baby cousin cries. Bryce is just as apt as Casey to go kiss the baby and see if everything is okay. The article also states that because girls are sharper at empathy and takes in what goes in around them, they are more to anticipate the consequences of their actions. We'll see about that!! It is probably true that parents affect a lot, if not all, of early gender behavior. Men don't want to see their boys do gymnastics and Mommys want to put pigtails in their daughters hair. A lot of times when littler girls back away from a challenge, parents don't push her to follow through, as also stated in Parents Magazine by William Doherty, Ph.D. When parents don't encourage their daughter to fight harder to fulfill that physical challenge, it is subtly reinforcing to the girl that she doesn't have to do it. Without that push, girls start to back away from more and more that could physically challenge them, giving boys a much bigger advantage. And this is one advantage that parents could help their girl to bridge the gap by pushing her to try her hardest at those physical endeavors. We try to push Casey to finish anything that she starts, whether we think that she will be able to do it or not. She loves to climb, but can't always reach the peak. The more we encourage her to keep on trying, the harder she tries. WHen she actually accomplishes what she is trying to do, the light in her eyes just glistens. She could not be more proud of herself!!
What I am trying to say is that I do believe that girls and boys brains may be different, but that doesn't mean that all girls will like to play Barbie dolls and dress up. Casey likes to jump and dive just like Bryce does. He is a cuddle monkey just like she is. It may just have to do with a childs environment, too. It would be impossible to fairly compare boys and girls without taking in to account the environment that each is brought up in. What they are surrounded by and what they are used to seeing happen. I have tried to get Casey to play with her dolls, but she just isn't interested, so out to play golf we go!! And I have tried to get Bryce to like other colors besides pink, though he is starting to say that green is now his favorite, he still loves pink, so I make sure he has a pink crayon, too. That is my kids, that is who they are and I love it.

What is true of Nature vs. Nurture?
Nurture is refered to the care given by parents, but can also involve environmental factors, such as a childs friends, early experiences with T.V., and a babys experience in utero. Parents are the key to a childs intellectual development in the care and education they provide. Every child is born with a predetermined set of genes, but every being also has the ability to make their own decisions. Take for instance four boys raised in EXACTLY the same environment. They all had the same mother and father (instead of any of them being step brothers), they all grew up in the same houses, and they all knew the same people. This would mean that they were all nurtured in the same kinds of ways. They grew up with the same sets of rules and the parents made sure that those rules were inforced. This is the nurture end of the arguement. All of the boys should have grown up quite similarly. Both the parents are very hard workers. Very kind people, they don't expect anything handed to them and they appreciate everything they have. This sounds like a good hard working environmet, right? Well each of these boys birthed and raised from the exact same parents all turned out very differently. This is where the nature part of the arguement comes in. Each boy had the power to make his own decisions. Three of them are very hard workers, while two of those 3 like to have nice things to show for their work. The other 1 of the 3 works hard and just kind of makes due with what he's got. He is satisfied for his house to be shelter and not much more, and that is okay if that is what he wants. The last of the 4 boys (the 2nd youngest) does nothing. Literally. He collects welfare from the state and REFUSES to get a job because that welfare would be taken away. He has 5 children and only sees 4 of them. One of those four is in the custody of his grandparents and the other 3 "live" with their father. He does nothing to try to make their life more comfortable, and if it came to a pair of sneakers for the kids or cigarettes, he would buy the cigarettes and ask his parents for more money for the sneakers. This proves to me that no matter what a set of childrens nurture, they can choose for themselves exactly what they want their life to be...nature.Just because their direct relative robbed a bank, doesn't mean that they are doomed to do the same thing. As a parent nurtures their child, they show them the ways that they expect the child to act. This is where it is so important to lead by example. If we don't want our kids swearing at the Red Sox, then we might not want to either (no matter how tempting it can be sometimes) kids see all and hear all. Even the stuff we don't think they did.

How much does Birth Order affect personality?
For first borns (Bryce), everything was a HUGE deal. The first time he walked and talked was recorded meticulously. The first time Casey talked and walked, though, no less important, may have gotten lost in the shuffle of trying to write her milestone down with my teeth while using one hand to clean the poop off her back and the other hand to bandage Bryces knee from his latest Kamikaze stunt. As stated in http://www.scholastic.com/, because of this attention that the first borns are used to, they often grow up to be confident and determined and organized. Not to mention, they are eager to please and like to avoid trouble. As far as Bryce goes, he definitely likes to avoid trouble. He HATES it when he thinks someone is mad at him and will try to fix it instantly. He is confident and outgoing and likes to say hi to all the passer-bys. He loves to try to help with Casey and he loves to help with the chores (really, he does!). Also stated by scholastic.com, youngest children work extra hard to get attention and they like to cuddle. THis may be due to the fact that when they have the attention they want, they don't want it to stop, so they are extra sweet and loving. Youngest children are the comediennes of the family and love a laugh. Casey is our youngest and definitely tries hard to get attention. She does what she has to to get Mumma to look her way, even if it is because she is getting in to something she knows she shouldn't. She is persistent (God, is she persistent) and affectionate. She loves to cuddle, especially when she is getting tired. And lets face it, no matter what the reason, I love it when my kids cuddle!! She is turning in to somewhat of a clown and it makes people laugh. And she knows they are laughing at her, so she keeps on going. Casey is also very jealous. She wants the attention and she wants it ALL. She even gets mad sometimes if my son is sitting on my lap. She wants to, too! THis is a hard stage for us, but I also think that it means that she is going to be a competitive person throughout life. This isn't bad, she will have drive to get things done. She doesn't want to be left out of things and she makes sure we don't forget her. (Like we could forget a cute little face like hers!) Both of these descriptions really do fit my 2 to a tee. So far they show all the traits of the first born and youngest. I guess that means that they will both be great no matter where they were born in the family. My mom is the mother of four girls and she also says that birth order really did affect us in the same way. I am the oldest. I am a little unique all the way around. I kind of march to the beat of my own drum ( and sometimes the band plays out of whack!!) My next oldest sister isn't only the middle child, but the next oldest to her are our twin sisters. SO she feels like she kind of got lost in the shuffle sometimes, too. I guess each family is different. Each set of circumstances and the things that are going on around each child when they are little, and even still in-utero really makes a difference in each childs life. That is why we are stopping with two children. One beautiful boy and one beautiful girl.

Should I discipline them in the same way even though they are totally different people?
There are many ways to disipline a child and it has been an experiment for us because things that worked well with Bryce, Casey will just look at us like we are wasting her time. But things that never worked with Bryce work great with Casey. It used to bother Bryce SO badly to have to sit down and take a "timeout". Casey looks at me like she is just resting up for round 2. Casey likes it when I hold her when she is pitching a fit and talk calmly to her. SHe will be crying moose tears one minute and stop when she is through. I don't necessarily do the same things between the two, but I am consistent with each method that works for them individually. And this works for us. I want my kids to know that they did something that they should not be doing again, but instill in them the confidence to know that I think that they are doing a good job trying to figure this life out. In http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/, it states that children have 8 stages of development. 1st is learning trust vs. mistrust. In this stage a young infant is nurtured with patience and calm and is well handled. This is when they learn the basic value of trust and optimism. Poorly handled and cared for, a child learns insecurity. The 2nd stage is Will, learning autonomy vs. shame. The well parented child comes out of this stage proud and sure of themselves. Casey is at this stage. This is also the stage that children learn to throw tantrums out of frustration and stubbornness. They child wants so badly to do things for themselves, and can't quite communicate well enough yet, that they get very frustrated. Tantrums come with the territory and it is a positive way of a child expressing that they want some independence. Though tantrums are frustrating to say the least, it is a healthy part of a childs development. Yay ME, Casey is right on cue!! 3rd is purpose...learning initiative vs. guilt. The child developing strongly learns cooperation, how to lead and follow, and imagination. Bryce is at this stage now, and judging from his imagination level and the make believe games we play about dinosaurs, I would say he is heading in the right direction!! Yay! The last stages of development is Competence, Fidelity, Love, Care, and Wisdom. I would say that according to this study, my kids are doing great and headed in the right direction (Phew!)

How much does it matter that outside people (grandparents and babysitters) "parent" in the same way that I do?
CONSISTENCY is KEY!! A child will learn the things that are acceptable for them to do and learn the boundaries that they need to stay away from as long as the set of rules is the same every time. So, as long as the outside people are consistent with their rules like we are consistent with ours, then they will eventually learn the rules not matter where they are. When they are at my parents, the rules are not all the same as when they are at their own house, but the rules are always the same as the last time they were there, so they don't get confused. As long as each set of different rules for different places is set and enforced the same way every time, then consistency is key. And this is a good thing!

Overall answer:I have learned that my children are perfect. He is the perfect 3 year old boy who likes to get in to things and jump off things and really keep Mumma on her toes. He throws FITS and says no sometimes. He breaks some rules and follows others. He doesn't always listen, and that is okay. She is the perfect 17 month old. She plays with boys toys, even though there are plenty of girls toys around. SHe loves her brother. She throws fits and says no. She breaks some rules and follows others. She doesn't always listen, and that is okay. Everything that I have researched has told me that my kids are doing just fine and they are on the right track to being AMAZING people. Just like they are amazing kids.

THE FUTURE

What does my future hold? I am going to take what I have learned from my research and what I already know and RUN with it. I am going to be a hands on mommy. I am going to be involved in the things that my kids show an interest in and encourage them to follow through with the things they start, even if it is just climbing up on a something that is too hard for (her) to do all by herself. I am going to encourage lots of active play time (because there is nothing like a good afternoon nap from pure exhaustion!!), and I am going to show them that being independent from me is okay. I am going to take my son and cuddle up with him whenever he wants to and I am going to insist that he stays the truly amazing, sensitive boy that he has become. I am going to show my girl that just because I am holding my son, doesn't mean that I love her any less, or that I have forgotten about her. And I am going to cuddle with her whenever SHE wants to. I will also insist that she stays the sweet, loving girl that she is becoming. I will let her throw her fits while teaching her that there may be a better way to communicate (especially when she starts to learn more words...). I will let them explore while teaching them that there are boundaries. And I will let them get in their fair share of trouble while teaching them that even though they didn't make a good decision, I still love them more than ever anyways. I will teach them that they are each others best friend, but it is important for them both to have other friends besides. And finally, I will teach them to eat their vegetables. That one may be a struggle...

Isearch 'Future'

2006-04-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

What does my future hold? I am going to take what I have learned from my research and what I already know and RUN with it. I am going to be a hands on mommy. I am going to be involved in the things that my kids show an interest in and encourage them to follow through with the things they start, even if it is just climbing up on a something that is too hard for (her) to do all by herself. I am going to encourage lots of active play time (because there is nothing like a good afternoon nap from pure exhaustion!!), and I am going to show them that being independent from me is okay. I am going to take my son and cuddle up with him whenever he wants to and I am going to insist that he stays the truly amazing, sensitive boy that he has become. I am going to show my girl that just because I am holding my son, doesn't mean that I love her any less, or that I have forgotten about her. And I am going to cuddle with her whenever SHE wants to. I will also insist that she stays the sweet, loving girl that she is becoming. I will let her throw her fits while teaching her that there may be a better way to communicate (especially when she starts to learn more words...). I will let them explore while teaching them that there are boundaries. And I will let them get in their fair share of trouble while teaching them that even though they didn't make a good decision, I still love them more than ever anyways. I will teach them that they are each others best friend, but it is important for them both to have other friends besides. And finally, I will teach them to eat their vegetables. That one may be a struggle...

Isearch 'Answer'

2006-04-09T22:21:00.000-04:00

Questions, questions, questions...and ANSWERS!! First of all, in the grand scheme of things, every child is different no matter what. Whether it be nature, nurture, or a slew of other factors. As a parent, I worry about a lot. Mostly, whether I am being fair and balanced in my parenting. I want to do the right things for them. I am the one that they look to for guidance and support.

When should I really start concentrating on social development?
First of all, social development is not just playdates with every kid in town that is my childs age(Thank God!). It started from the minute my children were born. Interaction between humans is social. Threrefore, interaction with Mommy and Daddy is social. This means that "social" has been from day one. And the quality of interaction is what the child is yearning for the most. So in the first few years of life, my children learn the most from me. Of course, there is many different facets of a childs life, and while Mommy ans Daddy are going to teach a child a good base of rules and morals, that alone does not always give the child an outlet to experiment with what they have learned. Parent Center says that playing with friends is an important way for children to learn how to use the rules that they have learned such as sharing and taking turns. There is no point in teaching a child to take turns if there is no way to demonstrate what taking turns means. Playing with other children who are trying to learn the same things is quite often the best way to teach a child. Bryce and Casey have a definite advantage in this area. They are very close in age. Close enough so that everything they are learning, they are learning together. It is hard to rationalize with an 18 month old why they should share, but after seeing it and hearing it often enough, they start to get the picture. Casey is now quite good at taking turns because she has always had to do it. Her brother was at the point when she was born that we were really trying to teach him the benefit of sharing, so this has always been something that Casey has heard. This has helped her learn even faster that this is what she is supposed to do. Of course, it isn't always perfect either, but children also learn from their mistakes...

Am I hindering their social development by not putting them in a playgroup when I am essentially a stay at home Mom, knowing that this will be their primary form of social time with kids their age?

Of course, there comes a time that Mumma needs to swallow her pride and maybe bring my children to one of these (gasp!) playgroups. Bryce and Casey are rather outgoing as kids go. They are not overly shy, but they like to make sure that I am in sight. This is a healthy thing for them to do. Babycenter gave some suggestions for getting in to the swing of the playgroup thing. They suggest to keep playtimes short and small. And to get involved in my childs play, too. This will help to get the kids comfortable with each other knowing that there is also an adult around for support. The more they see kids on a fairly regualr basis, the more comfortable they will become with venturing out on their own and me keeping a distance. And if I don't expect perfection from my kids, then chances are, things will be just fine!! So I took them to one of these playgroups. The same one every week for a month. The first wee, they wanted nothing to do with the other kids, in fact I am not sure my kids even realized that other kids existed. But I took them out in the middle of the big gym floor and played NEAR other kids. The next week, some of the other kids joined in. By the 4th week the kids were playing together without me being right by their side to monitor every move they made. I got to relax and talk to some people, and they got to run around freely and really looked like they were enjoying themselves. BOTH of them!!

How much does the simple difference of Bryce being a boy and Casey being a girl have on their personality? Attitudes?

Boys and girls are as different as night and day, the sun and the moon, peanut butter and jelly...take your pick. I have always been able to describe Bryces personality, but when it comes to Casey, she baffles me. She is as complex as they get. I don't think that it is because one is a boy and one a girl. I think that it just is. I have read in Parents Magazine that one reason for the difference in the sexes is that boys and girls brains are much different. A girls verbal brain develops quicker than boys and this is why girls usually start taking sooner. This was not the case for us. Bryce talked VERY early. Casey is catching up, but he definitely had more words than she does at the same age. Boys spacial perception is bigger, making them better at geometric things. The spacial thing also seems to propel boys towards things that move like cars and balls. One thing that I know for sure. Bryce and Casey are not as different as I once thought. I don't know if it is because Casey just has such a strong yearning to do everything that Bryce does, but she likes to play with dinosaurs just as much as he does (and I bought her 3 dolls for Christmas!) she just bee lined to the Dinosaur Castle because that is where he was. She LOVES balls and LOVES it when Daddy tries to help her play golf. Girls brains are bigger in the area that controls emotion and empathy. Making them better able to predict other peoples feelings. Both of my kids are very empathetic. They stand at full attention when their baby cousin cries. Bryce is just as apt as Casey to go kiss the baby and see if everything is okay. The article also states that because girls are sharper at empathy and takes in what goes in around them, they are more to anticipate the consequences of their actions. We'll see about that!! It is probably true that parents affect a lot, if not all, of early gender behavior. Men don't want to see their boys do gymnastics and Mommys want to put pigtails in their daughters hair. A lot of times when littler girls back away from a challenge, parents don't push her to follow through, as also stated in Parents Magazine by William Doherty, Ph.D. When parents don't encourage their daughter to fight harder to fulfill that physical challenge, it is subtly reinforcing to the girl that she doesn't have to do it. Without that push, girls start to back away from more and more that could physically challenge them, giving boys a much bigger advantage. And this is one advantage that parents could help their girl to bridge the gap by pushing her to try her hardest at those physical endeavors. We try to push Casey to finish anything that she starts, whether we think that she will be able to do it or not. She loves to climb, but can't always reach the peak. The more we encourage her to keep on trying, the harder she tries. WHen she actually accomplishes what she is trying to do, the light in her eyes just glistens. She could not be more proud of herself!! What I am trying to say is that I do believe that girls and boys brains may be different, but that doesn't mean that all girls will like to play Barbie dolls and dress up. Casey likes to jump and dive just like Bryce does. He is a cuddle monkey just like she is. It may just have to do with a childs environment, too. It would be impossible to fairly compare boys and girls without taking in to account the environment that each is brought up in. What they are surrounded by and what they are used to seeing happen. I have tried to get Casey to play with her dolls, but she just isn't interested, so out to play golf we go!! And I have tried to get Bryce to like other colors besides pink, though he is starting to say that green is now his favorite, he still loves pink, so I make sure he has a pink crayon, too. That is my kids, that is who they are and I love it.

What is true of Nature vs. Nurture?

Nurture is refered to the care given by parents, but can also involve environmental factors, such as a childs friends, early experiences with T.V., and a babys experience in utero. Parents are the key to a childs intellectual development in the care and education they provide. Every child is born with a predetermined set of genes, but every being also has the ability to make their own decisions. Take for instance four boys raised in EXACTLY the same environment. They all had the same mother and father (instead of any of them being step brothers), they all grew up in the same houses, and they all knew the same people. This would mean that they were all nurtured in the same kinds of ways. They grew up with the same sets of rules and the parents made sure that those rules were inforced. This is the nurture end of the arguement. All of the boys should have grown up quite similarly. Both the parents are very hard workers. Very kind people, they don't expect anything handed to them and they appreciate everything they have. This sounds like a good hard working environmet, right? Well each of these boys birthed and raised from the exact same parents all turned out very differently. This is where the nature part of the arguement comes in. Each boy had the power to make his own decisions. Three of them are very hard workers, while two of those 3 like to have nice things to show for their work. The other 1 of the 3 works hard and just kind of makes due with what he's got. He is satisfied for his house to be shelter and not much more, and that is okay if that is what he wants. The last of the 4 boys (the 2nd youngest) does nothing. Literally. He collects welfare from the state and REFUSES to get a job because that welfare would be taken away. He has 5 children and only sees 4 of them. One of those four is in the custody of his grandparents and the other 3 "live" with their father. He does nothing to try to make their life more comfortable, and if it came to a pair of sneakers for the kids or cigarettes, he would buy the cigarettes and ask his parents for more money for the sneakers. This proves to me that no matter what a set of childrens nurture, they can choose for themselves exactly what they want their life to be...nature.
Just because their direct relative robbed a bank, doesn't mean that they are doomed to do the same thing. As a parent nurtures their child, they show them the ways that they expect the child to act. This is where it is so important to lead by example. If we don't want our kids swearing at the Red Sox, then we might not want to either (no matter how tempting it can be sometimes) kids see all and hear all. Even the stuff we don't think they did.

How much does Birth Order affect personality?

For first borns (Bryce), everything was a HUGE deal. The first time he walked and talked was recorded meticulously. The first time Casey talked and walked, though, no less important, may have gotten lost in the shuffle of trying to write her milestone down with my teeth while using one hand to clean the poop off her back and the other hand to bandage Bryces knee from his latest Kamikaze stunt. As stated in www.scholastic.com, because of this attention that the first borns are used to, they often grow up to be confident and determined and organized. Not to mention, they are eager to please and like to avoid trouble. As far as Bryce goes, he definitely likes to avoid trouble. He HATES it when he thinks someone is mad at him and will try to fix it instantly. He is confident and outgoing and likes to say hi to all the passer-bys. He loves to try to help with Casey and he loves to help with the chores (really, he does!). Also stated by scholastic.com, youngest children work extra hard to get attention and they like to cuddle. THis may be due to the fact that when they have the attention they want, they don't want it to stop, so they are extra sweet and loving. Youngest children are the comediennes of the family and love a laugh. Casey is our youngest and definitely tries hard to get attention. She does what she has to to get Mumma to look her way, even if it is because she is getting in to something she knows she shouldn't. She is persistent (God, is she persistent) and affectionate. She loves to cuddle, especially when she is getting tired. And lets face it, no matter what the reason, I love it when my kids cuddle!! She is turning in to somewhat of a clown and it makes people laugh. And she knows they are laughing at her, so she keeps on going. Casey is also very jealous. She wants the attention and she wants it ALL. She even gets mad sometimes if my son is sitting on my lap. She wants to, too! THis is a hard stage for us, but I also think that it means that she is going to be a competitive person throughout life. This isn't bad, she will have drive to get things done. She doesn't want to be left out of things and she makes sure we don't forget her. (Like we could forget a cute little face like hers!) Both of these descriptions really do fit my 2 to a tee. So far they show all the traits of the first born and youngest. I guess that means that they will both be great no matter where they were born in the family. My mom is the mother of four girls and she also says that birth order really did affect us in the same way. I am the oldest. I am a little unique all the way around. I kind of march to the beat of my own drum ( and sometimes the band plays out of whack!!) My next oldest sister isn't only the middle child, but the next oldest to her are our twin sisters. SO she feels like she kind of got lost in the shuffle sometimes, too. I guess each family is different. Each set of circumstances and the things that are going on around each child when they are little, and even still in-utero really makes a difference in each childs life. That is why we are stopping with two children. One beautiful boy and one beautiful girl.

Should I discipline them in the same way even though they are totally different people?

There are many ways to disipline a child and it has been an experiment for us because things that worked well with Bryce, Casey will just look at us like we are wasting her time. But things that never worked with Bryce work great with Casey. It used to bother Bryce SO badly to have to sit down and take a "timeout". Casey looks at me like she is just resting up for round 2. Casey likes it when I hold her when she is pitching a fit and talk calmly to her. SHe will be crying moose tears one minute and stop when she is through. I don't necessarily do the same things between the two, but I am consistent with each method that works for them individually. And this works for us. I want my kids to know that they did something that they should not be doing again, but instill in them the confidence to know that I think that they are doing a good job trying to figure this life out. In www.childdevelopmentinfo.com, it states that children have 8 stages of development. 1st is learning trust vs. mistrust. In this stage a young infant is nurtured with patience and calm and is well handled. This is when they learn the basic value of trust and optimism. Poorly handled and cared for, a child learns insecurity. The 2nd stage is Will, learning autonomy vs. shame. The well parented child comes out of this stage proud and sure of themselves. Casey is at this stage. This is also the stage that children learn to throw tantrums out of frustration and stubbornness. THey child wants so badly to do things for themselves, and can't quite communicate well enough yet, that they get very frustrated. Tantrums come with the territory and it is a positive way of a child expressing that they want some independence. Though tantrums are frustrating to say the least, it is a healthy part of a childs development. Yay ME, Casey is right on cue!! 3rd is purpose...learning initiative vs. guilt. The child developing strongly learns cooperation, how to lead and follow, and imagination. Bryce is at this stage now, and judging from his imagination level and the make believe games we play about dinosaurs, I would say he is heading in the right direction!! Yay! THe last stages of development is Competence, Fidelity, Love, Care, and Wisdom. I would say that according to this study, my kids are doing great and headed in the right direction (Phew!)

How much does it matter that outside people (grandparents and babysitters) "parent" in the same way that I do?

CONSISTENCY is KEY!! A child will learn the things that are acceptable for them to do and learn the boundaries that they need to stay away from as long as the set of rules is the same every time. So, as long as the outside people are consistent with their rules like we are consistent with ours, then they will eventually learn the rules not matter where they are. When they are at my parents, the rules are not all the same as when they are at their own house, but the rules are always the same as the last time they were there, so they don't get confused. As long as each set of different rules for different places is set and enforced the same way every time, then consistency is key. And this is a good thing!

Overall answer:
I have learned that my children are perfect. He is the perfect 3 year old boy who likes to get in to things and jump off things and really keep Mumma on her toes. He throws FITS and says no sometimes. He breaks some rules and follows others. He doesn't always listen, and that is okay. She is the perfect 17 month old. She plays with boys toys, even though there are plenty of girls toys around. SHe loves her brother. She throws fits and says no. She breaks some rules and follows others. She doesn't always listen, and that is okay. Everything that I have researched has told me that my kids are doing just fine and they are on the right track to being AMAZING people. Just like they are amazing kids.

Annotated Source List

2006-04-06T12:31:00.000-04:00

http://webtoolsfamilyeducation.com/article/0,1120,4-160,00.html

This site focused on positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement and why there are benefits to using both (at different times, of course!)

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap11/chap11.html

This site has to do with consequence methods of behaviors, somewhat similar to positive/negative reinforcement, but takes it a step further and gives steps to take eo get out of uncomfortable situations (i.e.-to a child this would be punishment for an action)

http://www.vtaide.com

This site explores differnt kinds of parents. Authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. It also explores high nuturance of parents vs. moderate control. One huge factor of this website is that it gets in to the development of social competence in children and the fact that families play a vital role in a childs social growth and development.

http://www.raisinggreatkids.com

This website has 21 questions to ask yourself about myself and my kids and provides tremendous insite about the answers behind each question. It also explore the 8 different temperments in children and how their activity level factors in to their pesonality. Also comes with 10 tips for parents to do for themselves to be better role models and teachers.

http://raiseyourkidsright.com

Explores character qualities in children and says that the way they behave is the way that they are treated.

Marie Walls. Mother of 4 and Mommy Extraordinaire. Personal Interview. March 2006.

What can I say? Everything I learned about mothering I learned from my own mom. We also talked about birth order and personality differences between boys and girls.

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com

Teaches the stages of social and emotional development in children. Goes over Eriksons eight stages of development and how each stage can adversely affect the next.

Parents Magazine. The Difference Between Boys and Girls. Richard Laliberte. Page 102. March 2006.

Explores the way a childs gender affects the way they think, and learn. Even how they behave and why they do the things they do.

Parents Magazine. How to Raise a Really Good Kid. Peg Rosen. Page 126. March 2006.

Explores moral choices and how it is the parents job to point their child in the right direction.

Prompt Reaction Week #11

2006-04-04T14:19:00.000-04:00

49. Doesn't matter where you begin...you'll end up back here.

Ten years ago I was aching to get the hell out of Dodge...Bangor, Maine that is. Now I am aching to go back. 10 years ago I could think of nothing but another place. Now I can't think of anything but where I came from. Why is it that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. People always want what they can't have, but then when they actually get what they wanted they are not happy. This was the case for me. I thought that everything would be better when I got out of my hometown. I could spread my wings a little and make my own decisions. Now the only decision that I want to make is for those sprouted wings to fly me right back to where I belong...Home.

Isearch 'SEARCH'-Revised

2006-04-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

February 27th, 2006
Today was a great day. We went to a playgroup at the YMCA and the kids had a good time. They actually played with some other kids for about 30 seconds, too, which is longer than in the past. I think that I will go look online to see what they say about social interaction in kids. I also just read in a PARENTS MAGAZINE that socialization in children is SO important to many different areas of their lives, including self confidence. I have been watching the way other mothers interact with their children, too. This has been very helpful as a comparison tool for me in my research.

March 6, 2006
I have this book called "What Kids Need Most in a Mom". I have been reading it a lot lately. It gives a lot of good advice and actually has been a calming tool for me. This book has been super helpful and I will be using it a lot in my research.

March 11, 2006
My boy and my girl are polar opposites. I wonder why. I looked online at some websites today that explored differences between boys and girls. A couple of the sites I found said that a boys and girls brains are different from each other. I have also been reading some articles on the subject. Also in PARENTS MAGAZINE. It is insightful. I also talked to my mom today about what she thought about birth order. She has 4 girls. Most of the websites I found are interesting, but some are much too scientific and mumbo jumbo for me. My mom had much more to say about the topic that I could use. Though she did say that my sisters and I seem to go against the grain. I did find a site that was helpful for me to look at my kids birth order in figuring out their personalities, too. It turns out they go a bit against the grain, too. Wonder if its hereditary!!

April 2nd, 2006
We went to my parents today for my birthday. They did a great job. I like to watch the way they interact with others and if they listen to other adults like they listen to me, so I just sat back for a lot of the day and watched them with other people. This helped a lot in piecing together how and why they act differently around other people. I learned a lot today.

Overall, I have mostly used websites for information. There is a lot of information out there in lala land! The books and people resources that I have used along with the magazines, too, have been a big help. The research has been a lot of fun and I am looking forward to using some of what I learned to see if it works with my kids.

Freestyle Week #11

2006-04-04T10:49:00.000-04:00

So Sunday was my birthday. The big one. My 30th. I had to work that night (@#%!), so we got up super early to go up to Bangor to spend some time with my family without having to rush around. We looked at some houses on the way up that were in Holden. They were very nice and a perfect area for us to move. We took our time and talked and had a great old time. We went to my parents house for lunch around 11:00. We ended up eating around 12:00 which means that we would have to leave in 45 more minutes to make it back in time for work(@#%!). We were all sitting around the table pretty quiet trying to finish eating. There was complete silence when my son piped up "Happy Birthday, Mumma!" It was the way he said it and the way he looked at me. It was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.

Essay #5 Div-Ex

2006-03-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

Downeast Maine. Gateway to Hell. Adorned by postcards, pictures, paintings, and screensavers everywhere, the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Ocean waves splashing on huge rocks, seagulls circling above lobster boats waiting, hoping for their next meal. Big mountains in the distance with the sun rising and falling behind them. We can walk to the water in 45 seconds and stay all day, walk the loop without a single car passing by. So Gateway to WHAT, you ask? You heard me right, Hell. The scenery is only 1/2 of the area. The people are the other. They are lifeless wrecks and the direct spawn of the devil. And they are sucking up all that sweet ocean air. They are neighbors, psycho-mommies, and pseudo-friends. And if I were to let them, they would take me down kicking and screaming, laughing at me the whole way.

Neighbors can be so charming. So nice. We do have some nice ones, in fact, most of them aren't so bad. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. Not everyone here is evil. Some of our neighbors even brought us dinners after we had our kids. They are kind-hearted and thoughtful. And then there is him. The Devil himself. Mr. Lawrence-don't-you-dare-call-me-Larry-because-I-am-WAY-above-that-name. I don't know his last name. I don't want to know it and everytime someone tries to mention it, I just plug my ears and try to hum really loud so I won't hear it. He worked for years for the New York Stock Exchange and just recently retired full-time, year-round directly across the street from us. (Thanks a bunch, New York...) He came over with his wife once right after we got done building to greet what he thought would be retirees just like him. My parents were there at the time, making the jab to his heart even sweeter.
"Hi, I'm Lawwwrence. My wife Knucklehead (name changed to protect the guilty by association) and I want to welcome you to our neighborhood." (Our neighborhood, huh? How assumptive of him...) He was shaking my dads hand at this point and very aggressively at that.
"Oh, thank-you, but this is my daughter and son-in-laws house."
"Oh, okay, where are they? I would like to introduce myself." he says.
"...Umm...they are standing right beside me..." My dad looked at me.
I stuck out my hand to say hello and his shake went from nervous aggressive to limp noodle. "You have got to be kidding me," he says. "I was expecting someone...older."
"Umm, no kidding!" I say, somewhat stunned.
"Oh, and you have a dog. How charming!"
Our little dog sealed the deal. He was out of there in 2.7 seconds. We watched him shaking his head at his wife the whole way back to their home.
12 months later, a building crew came to assemble big stone pillars on each side of his driveway. While interesting, at best, the reason for them being there was unknown, until my husband commented on them one day while Lawwwwrence was getting his mail. Without even breaking his glare at his mail pile, he said "Yeah, I just got sick and tired of the towns school bus using my driveway as a turnaround, so I fixed that situation!" He looked coldly at my husband and finished with "I guess that means that your little one will have to wait at the end of the road." He smirked and walked away. My husband had much more composure than I would have. He just kept his mouth shut. Our "little one" was only 3 months old. Mr. Larry even took the driveway turnaround another step further one day when we were building our addition. A building truck was delivering huge roof trusses and needed the jerks driveway to help it turn around. Just the edge of the driveway, mind you. Larry swiftly came out and told the driver that if he proceeded to use his driveway, he would call the cops. The truck was forced to turn around with our delivery. We had to pay for another smaller truck to come back the next day.
I just tried to chalk the things he did up to him being selfish and miserable. I was thinking that it would get better now that we had a child. I could meet other mothers with children and have intelligent conversations. God, was I wrong.

One of the first calls we got after Bryce was born was from the wife of one of my husbands friends. "Now you can join our little playgorup!" She said bubbly. God, do you have to be a member of one of these damn things? Is there an initiation? An audition? "How much is he drinking? How long is he sleeping at night? How many naps does he take? Are you getting plenty of sleep?" she added.
"Um...4 ounces...3 hours...4...and no" Did I answer right? It was starting to feel like a quiz.
"Have you seen a doctor? He really should be eating more. My Matthew was anyways. Are you breast-feeding or bottle feeding?"
I was getting annoyed. "Yes he has seen a doctor. He is wonderfully healthy. And I am bottle feeding."
"Oooohhhh"
10 months later, Bryce was exactly 10 months 1 week and 3 days old. I took him to one of these God-Forsaken playgroups. All of the psycho-mommies were talking to other psycho-mommies about fairly normal mommies and how the normals children couldn't keep up with their far more gifted children. I overheard one of the conversations.
"Have you seen Bobo's (name changed to protect the innocent) son? HE isn't even walking yet and he is the same age as my son, (Which was 11 months old), I guess that means he can't kick a ball yet either, huh?"
In another corner, a mother was sitting with her son. She looked so sad. We ended up talking for a while. It turns out her son was the one being talked about in the above monologue with the psycho-mommy. The girl (about my age) was so nice...so normal. She was practically in tears. I wasn't surprised when she didn't some back again. It didn't take long for me to stop going, too.
The last straw came when Bryce was 22 months old. We had just had our daughter and I was making my first solo trip in to the grocery store. We got one of those carts with the car attached to the front so Bryce could sit in their and help me "steer". Casey was propped up front in her car seat with me. We were moving along smoothly when Bryce started crying like he had hurt himself. And he had indeed hurt himself. He pinched his little finger in the buckle. Like clock work, one of the mommies came around the corner of an aisle and looked at me without asking what was wrong and said "Ohhhh, he's not adjusting well to the new baby, huh?

Friends. The only clear way to go. Not here, though. One of my "friends" went to her play group cronies 1 week after I had my miscarriage and was using it as her hot topic. The kicker of this conversation was that she finished with, "She just needs to get over her miscarriage and get on with her life". And this was our best mans wife. The one better friend that I have had here is also very bitter and mean and as it turns out pretty manipulative. It was just a couple of months ago that I saw this side of her. It was around Halloween and I was working on every weekend night. There was a Pumpkin Festival at one of the Farms down here. She called the day of the Festival to see if my husband wanted to go with her and take the kids and go out to lunch after and maybe to the playground. I don't know about the other people she knows, but I don't rent my husband out to anyone. SO I politely declined her very eerie invite and said that he was busy. She called our house an hour after I was to be at work that day. And then 3 hours after that. My husband said he just didn't answer the phone. She called the next day and said that she had called to see if he had maybe changed his mind. At that point I was getting really irritated. I told her quite frankly it wasn't her place to be inviting my husband anywhere and excused myself from the conversation. We have talked not that much since then. At least she took the hint, though. That is more than I can say for some. But for her it is constant melancholy and woe. She uses comments like "Must be nice" and "I wish I could do that." Which makes inviting my husband places even more creepy. She is only happy when I am sad. What kind of friend is that?

I have finally realized that my real friends are the ones that I have had all of my life. My sisters. They are there rain or shine, come hell or high water. And I have met some very nice people here recently, too, much to my pleasant surprise. This place isn't all bad. I do like parts of it. But the people who live here leave so much to be desired. If you let them, they will steal your soul. For a long time, I thought that I was the only one who felt like this. It turns out, I'm not. It also turns out that the other people who also feel like this are not from here, either. Coincidence? I think not.

Freestyle Week #10

2006-03-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

My boss did the nicest thing today. I got up to go to work at 6 am to work my double that I work every other Sunday. Today, I got up though, and my husband mentioned that he thought he would bring our kids up to Bangor to go to the YWCA Spring Fair and then go see my family. These are the kinds of things that I don't like to miss. Especially when our kids are the at the age that they are that everything is spectacular and the fair is bright, shiny, and beautiful.
I had been working a couple of hours when it got brought up in a conversation with a customer that my kids were going to the fair today. It was about 10:00 am. My boss overheard the conversation and walked away. He came back a couple of minutes later and told me to take a hike. My face got kind of numb for a second because I had no idea what he was talking about and "Take a Hike" could really go either way. He finished though with this "But be back by 3:00 please...and have fun at the fair with your babies!!"
And that we did.

Prompt Reaction Week #10

2006-03-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

44. They say the best things in life are free...

The best things in life ARE free, though some you may have to pay for...
My Bryce (we had insurance, so yes he was "free") and my Casey...though for her we did not have insurance and we are still paying out the nose for that little hospital stay, but I thought I would include her in my list because she is still pretty neat...
My husband (though we had to pay for the marriage licence, the place that we got married and the officiant who married us...)
Our house (Ha, ha...just kidding...free, yah right!!)
Thoughts, hopes, and wishes and
Dreams, desires, and wants (though it may take money to get to the end result of these)
My kids elephant hugs and Eskimo kisses (free, free, free, and plenty!!)
The smell of the ocean air (though it may take a car and its $gas$ to get there!)
Friends and Family
When my kids giggle (truly the best thing on Earth!!)
When my kids smile
Holding hands
Have I mentioned my kids hugs and kisses?
Some people argue that nothing in life is free. Maybe so. When you have two kids as great as mine, a husband that loves to be with his family, and friends that really matter, maybe free isn't what should be focused on, maybe it is the little things that make our kids laugh that should really be focused on like...
Hide and Seek
The Tickle Monster (he hides in the silliest places!)
Picnics
Playing at the playground
Walking to the beach while holding our kids hands
Kisses that come for no reason, just to say I love you, even when she can't actually say those exact words yet
At the end of the day when we are sitting on the couch and eating popcorn and watching one of the movies that we have seen 100 times, when our kids sit on our lap and lay their head down on our shoulder
"I missed yous" when I get home from work
Good night hugs and kisses...
and a-million-and-one other little things that happen everyday, those are the best things in life and they are free!!

Prompt Reaction Week #9

2006-03-19T22:01:00.000-05:00

378. Es-ca-pe. Funny... that's spelled just like the word escape.

It is funny the things you will do for love, isn't it? Pre-babies our movies of choice would have been something not too sappy, not too violent. And not too "Finding Nemo". So who would have thought that after our kids were born, not only did our choice in movies change, but so did our choice in music, our choice in how we spent our free time, and what we did when we were finally alone again.
Music choice:
Pre-babies- Alittle country, alittle rock n roll (and alittle hip hoppy dance-y stuff when my husband wasn't paying attention...)
Post-babies- Baby Mozart, Baby Bach , and Baby Beethoven all compliments of the Baby Einstein Company...I haven't heard a song on the radio for three years, 2 months, and 11 days...

Free Time:
Pre-babies- This was a time that we enjoyed walking slowly around stores that we were in and taking it all in, maybe buying something, maybe not, who knows? We also enjoyed going snowmobiling, ice fishing, golfing, jogging, whatever moved us for the day. Our favorite free time activity though was sleeping in the middle of a weekend day, getting up to fill our gullets, and then going back to sleep. Just because we could...

Post babies- This is a time that there is no leisure time in the stores. You get in, you get out. Period. Sometimes we remember all the things we were there for and sometimes we don't. And sometimes we even come home with things we didn't intend to...compliments of our grabby son!! We also still enjoy snowmobiling, ice fishing, golfing and jogging, or maybe it is just the memory of those things that we used to enjoy...hmmm...And sometimes we do still sleep in the middle of the day, but just by default. Because if we didn't all systems would shut down. This is no longer a relaxing activity, it is an activity necessary for survival...

Alone time:
Pre-babies- You can all just use your imagination on this one.

Post-babies- Alone time, yah right!!

Movie Time:
Pre-babies: Anything and everything. We didn't have to have the remote glued to our hand to press the fast forward button in case things got to gorey (or steamy). The only eyes I needed to cover was my own.

Post-babies: "Finding Nemo", "Bambi II" (the new favorite), "Robots", "Lion King", and how dare I forget "Dora the Explorer" and "Go, Diego, Go!" Not only are we made to watch them, we are made to memorize them word for word and add in our own sound effects that make the kids laugh even more...Sometimes I even find myself reciting lines for no reason while I am making dinner, or in the middle of the grocery store (alittle embarrasing!) And when they find a movie they really like, they make us watch it over and over and over (and over)...take "Finding Nemo" our sons first favorite movie. We watched that movie 208 times. I know every word to every scene to every character and I am proud of it. So when I finally came across this prompt, (a quote out of "Finding Nemo") I had to laugh, because not only do I know the exact scene that it came from (the one where Dory and Marlin were trying to get away from Bruce the Shark), I knew the exact tone that the writer of the prompt was using when he or she wrote it, and that made me smile. My life went from selfish to selfless in 9 months time, all because of the love of my kids and "Finding Nemo".

Essay #4-Process

2006-03-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

To get through my day is a...well...process. Having two kids, a husband, a job, and a class schedule and only two hands to do everything is...well...a process. If only my feet had thumbs. To have four different ways to hold, carry, and drag things would be glorious. Funny looking, but glorious. I still haven't figured out how I would move about, but I'd like it! I can see it now...I could carry my daughter in my left arm, hold my sons hand with my right, kiss my husband, all while walking in to the house dragging the groceries behind me with my new found "fands". I can also see the groceries scattered across the lawn from thinking that dragging the plastic bags with my feet with thumbs would be a good idea. So maybe that wouldn't work, which brings me back to my point that getting through my day can only be described by breaking it down in to three steps. Morning, noon, and night.

Morning
5a.m.
Time to get up- Not for me, though. No way, Jose!! Alls I do at 5 a.m. is lift my lifeless hand to shoulder level to take the alarm clock and throw it against the wall. I hope my husband woke up before it shattered into a million pieces.

Still morning 7a.m.
I wake up to my son bouncing up and down relentlessly on my stomach while my daughter whacks on my forehead. My son begs me to get up so we can watch The Wiggles. I beg him to spare me the torture of those frickin Wiggles. Just this morning. I would rather take my fingernails out with my eyebrow tweasers. We compromise on Higglytown Heroes. That gives me 27 minutes and 32 seconds before I have to drag my sorry butt outta bed...
27 minutes and 32 seconds later, Bryce pulls all the blankets off the bed and yanks the pillows out from under my head while Casey shreiks with delight at his funny moves. Reaaaaal funny. I'm laughing...really. Somehow I compose myself out to the couch and muster up enough energy to sing the Higglytown Heroes theme song...

8a.m.
We eat breakfast. Scrambled eggs and Apple chunks with a side of hotdogs (don't judge...it's grocery shopping day!)

8:30a.m.
I sneak upstairs to take a shower.

8:35 a.m.
Casey finds me. Guess I'll shave the other leg tomorrow.

9:30 a.m.
I wrangle up my babes after playing hide and seek for a half an hour. Time to buckle down and get dressed. It's 35 degrees out!! No snowpants today! Thank God. I left them in the washer last night. Guess I'll have to do that load over again.

10 a.m.
After chasing Casey around for the 19th time, I finally get her diaper back on. I turn my head to watch Bryce's latest trick and she escapes yet again. I chase her in to the kitchen and step in something...wet. That's cute. Casey giggles, points, and babbles like she peed on the exact tile on purpose. You just can't get mad at someone that cute. Besides, it was my fault I didn't get her diaper back on fast enough. Back to Parenting 101 classes...like I have time for that!

10:15 a.m.
I get them buckled in the car and off we go. Our ride in to the grocery store was normal.
"Mumma, what's that?"
"A house."
"Mumma, what's that?"
"A restaurant."
"Mumma, what's that?"
"Another house."
"Mumma, Mumma, Mumma..."
We finally get to the grocery store. Let the games begin. After situating them in to the Bentley of all shopping carts, off we go. 5 minutes in to our trip, Casey babbles and points to her diaper. I thought that I smelled something. Seems our Bentley won't fit in to the bathroom, so I have to bring them both in free handed and trust that they won't touch anything. A busy body bagger looks at me cross-eyed like I was trying to steal something when I bring the diaper bag in with me. Does it look like I have any more hands to sneak things in with me? And these aren't oranges down my shirt, you quack! I put Casey on the fold out kiddie table and tell Bryce that if he touches ANYTHING, I will be forced to never let him watch The Wiggles again (!!!) He stands motionless. "Is this good, Mumma?" He tries not to move his lips when he talks.
"Yes, baby"
I pull out a diaper out of the diaper bag and two more fall to the floor. Damn. Those things are like GOLD. That's 5 dollars laying on the floor!! While I look to Bryce to tell him to leave those diapers there, Casey reaches down and sticks her hand directly in her poop. Before I could catch her hand, she made it to her beautiful cheek and directly over to her mouth. She starts to cry. I would, too...especially if it smelled like that! Seconds after I get Casey calmed down and cleaned up that same busy body bagger comes in and looks me up and down. "Can I help you with something?" She had her hands on her hips and was tapping her foot. I calmly finish up, folding up the dirty diaper, wrangle up my crew and hand the bit!@ the diaper.
"Yeah, you can throw that away for me...Thanks!" She snuffs and snorts and rants to herself as we walk away. Thankfully, the rest of the trip in the grocery store was uneventful. Wouldn't you know it though, our friend the bagger was the one bagging at our register. For some reason, she couldn't make eye contact with me. Hmmm.

11:30 a.m.
Home we go. After the 10th time singing "Old MacDonald had a Farm" and running out of barnyard animals to imitate, we make it home. Casey was barely awake, but I think we made it in time. There was no way she was taking a nap without me!! I hurried in to the house to put the groceries away and get them some lunch. Nothing could be easier than Spaghetti O's!! And whaddaya know, I just got some at the store!!

Here begins our second step of the day. Afternoon. A much less eventful step. We like this step.

1 p.m.
We all lay down to take a nap. (Yes, me too!!) They both finally fall asleep and I hear angels singing in glorious harmony. I love this time of day. I am going to let them sleep as long as they want to today. Casey is laying on my arm and Bryce is on his own little couch. Perfect. I doze off only to be awakened 1/2 hour later to Casey fidgeting around. "Please don't wake up...Please don't wake up" Saved!! She falls back in to comfort and starts to baby snore again. Now that I am awake, I might as well check out what is on T.V. Dora the Explorer?...no. Go Diego Go?...No thanks. I settle for my usual. "Divine Design" on HGTV. I love those room makeover shows!

2:30 p.m.
They are still sleeping.

3:30 p.m.
STILL sleeping!! I need to start thinking about waking them up.

4 p.m.
I start calling Bryce's name. "No Mumma, I still sleepin'!"
"But you can have a little snack..." I say to try to sweeten the deal.
"Okay Mumma, I'm awake!! I'll go get some M&M's!!"
"How about carrots?" I suggest.
"Maybe tomorrow, Mumma. Right now, M&M's sound really good!" I can't argue with that kind of logic!!
Casey wakes up during our conversation and points to the refrigerator. She wants milk. Easy enough. Just like that we get through step two and breeze easily in to step three. I said breeze easily into it. I didn't say anything about it staying that way.

Step three- Nighttime
5p.m.
Dinner Time
I made pork chops, potato, and corn. Yummy. All while Casey was hanging on my leg and Bryce was jumping off the couch. Nice. We all ate and got ready to go take a bath. While I was getting their stuff ready, I hear Bryce in the other room spontaneaously combust!! I go in the other room to see what is going on and Casey had taken his toy. I couldn't hear over the chaos. Casey was squealing and Bryce was having a full blown panic attack because she had his favorite dinosaur. I tried to talk to him, but he was too distraught. I gave him a kiss and let him calm down on his own and he came out within minutes and said he felt better. I asked him if he could ask Casey to give him back the toy. She did immediately. He looked at me and walked away. Two minutes later, he had forgotten all about that darn toy.

6:00 p.m.
Bathtime!!
This went off without a hitch and was going along swimmingly until Casey decided to poop in the tub. Great. I got them out of the tub faster than lightning and drained the water out and took out the toys without trying to touch them. Not an easy thing to do. My husband came up with wads of papertowel. I cleaned up the mess in the tub and he got them dressed.

6:30 p.m.
Sterilized the bath toys...

7:30 p.m.
Watched "Robots" with the kids and started to fall asleep on the couch until Casey tried stuffing popcorn in my ear...

8:30 p.m.
BEDTIME!!
I couldn't be any happier at this point in the day!! My husband brushes Bryce's teeth and I brush Casey's. Change her diaper one final time and go tuck Bryce in to bed. Of course, he can't go without his favorite snake (plastic, of course) and that is downstairs. Down and back up I go with snake in hand and he is already asleep. There is nothing more beautiful than a sleeping child!!

8:45 p.m.
Tuck Casey in to bed and I fall asleep with her.

And so ends our day. A good day overall. It was definitely a process to get through. A series of trials and tribulations at times, but we did it. Tomorrow will be more of the same. Figuring out what is going to work and what we will need to throw out the window. Hopefully, it will be nice so we can get outside, but if not, we can just climb the walls. Always a fun thing to do!!

9:30 p.m.
I wake up. Forgot to brush my teeth. And do my homework. And switch the load over to the dryer from YESTERDAY. And...

Freestyle Week #9

2006-03-18T22:19:00.000-05:00

My Casey

To the most beautiful little girl in the world:
I don't think that you will ever be able to comprehend the magnitude of my feelings for you unless you have a little girl of your own someday. But there was a time that I thought you would not be able to make it to me. You see, four years ago almost to this very day my life was shattered by the most horrible news that a "mommy" could get, but to tell you that story I need to go back just a little bit in time. March 3, 2002, I found out that I was pregnant for the very first time. I cannot describe my elation. The doctor said my due date was November 7th, 2002! That would be the happiest day of our lives. I knew beyond any doubt that I was having a little baby girl. Call it mothers intuition, I just knew. I started thinking of all the wonderful things that we would do together, how I would braid your hair and teach you how to kick a soccer ball better than any boy. Daddy and I went in for a routine ultrasound to see your little heartbeat. I was so excited. I would get to see you and your beautiful little heart right there in front of me. The doctor poked and prodded and poked some more. He said nothing, just a blank stare at the screen. He said there was nothing there. Just a little remnant of what could have been, but you had never really started growing in my belly. I felt like the doctor had just taken my whole life out from under me. On March 17, 2002, I lost my baby girl. I was so mad at God that day. In fact, I think that I hated him and I was sure that he hated me, too. Why did you have to go?Were you worried that we weren't ready to be your mommy and daddy? Because we were, you know. There is nothing that we wanted more. Did you just need a little more time before you were strong enough? I was so scared that you weren't going to be able to come back to us. Maybe you just needed your big brother to come first for some reason. We had Bryce early the next year. He was beautiful. Amazing. Everything that a little baby boy should be. God and I made ammends that day that he was born. But I still never forgot about my baby girl. I prayed every night that someday you would be able to come back to me and meet your big brother, and this time, stay with me. I promised God everyday that I would be a good mommy and I would not disappoint him. Could I please just have my baby girl back?
We decided when Bryce was very little that we wanted our babies close together, so we started trying again. March 6th, 2004 I found out I was pregnant again. I went to the doctor and they gave me my due date. NOVEMBER 7th, 2004- The exact same date as the first time! My baby girl had come back to me. You had come back to me. I talked to you everyday and told you how happy I was that you were growing in my belly again. Now you are here with me for real and I am sure that I am right about what happened all of those years ago. The first time, you were not strong enough to be with us yet. You needed your big brother here first so he could be your guide. Maybe if you had come to us then, you wouldn't have been strong enough to make it. Whatever the reason, you had a little more growing to do up in heaven before you came back to us. I was SO convinced the first time that I was having a girl that when the doctor said it was the exact same due date as the first, I knew that it was you who was coming back to me and the due date was your way of telling me that. I will never forget it. The empty in my heart that I had felt for all those years was filling back up because I knew everything was going to be okay. Now I watch you grow more and more everyday. I get to watch the way you play and interact with Bryce. You adore him and he adores you. You are the most dynamic little girl and I couldn't imagine one second without you. You have the brightest smile and the biggest laugh. You are the most caring little girl. You go over and kiss Bryce when he is crying, even if you are the reason why he is crying. Your whole beautiful soul lights a room and people take notice of you anywhere we go. And you are my daughter. Thank you for coming back to me and letting me be your mommy.
I love you so much, Mumma

Freestyle Week #8

2006-03-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

I am tired. I think that sometimes I try to get too much done or think too far ahead. I am already thinking ahead to April. My birthday, Easter, and my Moms birthday, and the fact that I have to work on all three of those days. I easily get frustrated when things overwhelm me like this, but it seems like all I have to do is sit down and take a deep breath and talk to my sister (any one of them) and everything comes clear again. It is amazing what a little perspective and the love of my sisters will do. Alls it takes is a little focus and a good friend to get me through anything that life throws my way and in my sisters I have found that.

Essay #3-Contrast Essay

2006-03-11T21:57:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I was the kind of girl who dug in the dirt for worms, played with Star Wars action figures, and played flag football with the boys. I wasn't frilly or froo-froo, I didn't like dolls, and I didn't play dress-up. I didn't stand in front of the mirror in my mothers wedding dress dreaming of the day. I did, however, always hope that I would be lucky enough someday to meet a man with the same morals and family values that I have. And that I did. My husband and I share the same beliefs, we both put our family before anything and everything, and we would fight to the death to protect our family. That is where our similarities end, though. Besides those qualities, we are as different as the sun and the moon, stop and go, and fire and water.

The sun and the moon. It's Saturday night. I left work at 9:00 and got home 10 minutes later. The only light left on was the one lighting the doorway so I wouldn't fall on my face between the car and the door. I peeked in my sons room. Silence. I look in on my daughter and hear the same. Next, my husband. Snoring happily. Peace and quiet? I sit down at the computer to do my work. Bustling along I go and out comes my husband dragging his feet like Frankenstein.
The light blinds him and I could barely make out his words.
"What are you doing?" At least I think that is what he says.
"Homework..."
"Are you crazy? Its 9:30, you should be in bed." Hearing this makes me giggle. I remember a time that we were just getting ready to go out at 9:30.
"I am going to finish my work and then I will be in," I say this chipper enough so it really annoys him. "I love you!"
He mutters something in return.
I repeat myself in case he didn't hear me, "I said I love you!!"
Again he babbles.
"What did you say? I can't hear you." I am REALLY starting to get on his nerves!
"I said I LOVE YOU, you weirdo. I am going back to bed!"
5:00 a.m. comes. The alarm clock chimes, he rolls easily out of bed. I am non-functioning. He tries to have a full blown conversation with me, but gives up when he realizes that it just isn't working. "I am going to work now" he says.
"hgdafgke cidiuejda" I tried to talk, but my tongue was stuck to the top of my dry mouth.
"I love you" he chimes.
"jdjkhflur kjdhiuer" Again I tried, I really did.
"I said I love you!" Now HE was starting to annoy ME.
I started to whine. "I jdhued djueyaew"
"What?"
"I SAID I LOVE YOU, You FREAK!"
"That's what I thought you said, I just wanted to make sure!" He started to laugh at his own dry, misplaced humor.
"If I can't get back to sleep I am going to hurt you!" Now THAT came out clearly!
"Have a nice day, I'll call you later," he says.
He calls at 8:30, we are all just rolling out of bed...

Stop and Go. I see a beautiful, sunny day as a perfect opportunity to take a jog, walk to the beach with the kids, and literally stop to smell our neighbors roses. HE sees a beautiful, sunny day as the perfect opportunity to mow the lawn, paint the house, and start the landscaping. Watching him makes me tired. I think that he is making the kids tired, too. Maybe we should go inside and take a nap...

Fire and Water. I am the fire and he is the water. Yes, in every good relationship there always has to be one who is hot-headed, impatient, and tempermental. That's me. Hopefully, in the same good relationship there is one who will balance the walking hormone out. That's him. We were at a chinese restaurant one day and I was looking for my animal symbol on the placemat. "Oh, I am a Dragon!" I say with delight.
"If they added 'fire-breathing' to the beginning of that they wouldn't be far off!" The nosey waitress overheard our conversation and I think that the soda she was drinking came out her nose when she started to laugh at my non-amusing husband. I looked at the silly expression on his face and I have to admit, I laughed too.
We could get in an arguement and 5 minutes later, he will have forgotten all about it. I will still be in the other room festering over the same silly comment. He chuckles at me that I am still mad, which doesn't help his cause. And I get even madder that he can just let it go just like that.
Finally, I calm down to rational again and we go about our day. I wish that I had half of his calm.

Someone once said "Life is like a box of chocolates" and I guess that I have to disagree. I think that life is like a see-saw. You go through life sitting on this playground toy waiting for someone to come along and play with you. Depending on who that person is, either you get bounced off when the other tries to get on because they are too much for you to handle OR they end up being not enough for you and you end up still hanging out on the ground. The good comes when you finally find someone to balance out that other end of the see-saw. Steadily going along up and down with you, not waivering because they get tired, or they just don't want to play anymore. This is what I found with my husband. Through all of the differences, little and big, I found the one who is going to stay on the see-saw with me, even when his legs get tired. I know that I can be me and that is okay with him, crazy tempers and all. I found the one I can trust, even through all of our differences. I found my perfect see-saw partner.

Prompt Reaction Week #8

2006-03-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

This fist has got Pow-POw-POWER:

These fists, my fists...okay wait, so only my right fist, my left fist is rendered COMPLETELY useless...have POWER. My right fist could break through concrete if need be, my left fist could not break through a paper bag. The weight of the world could rest comfortably upon my right fist with ease. My left fist would struggle with the weight of a basketball. My right fist could fight off any bad guy, big or small. My left fist would see the same bad guy and go hiding in my pocket. My right fist is a protector, an iron gate, a shield. My left fist is a wimp, a scaredy cat, a coward. IF defeated, my right fist would go down kicking and screaming. WHEN defeated, my left fist would go down whining and whimpering. Thankfully for the bad guys, I have never had to use my right fist. Thankfully for me (and my ego), I have never had to use my left. In the event that I would ever need to protect my children from harm or danger with my right fist, it would annihilate and conquer anything in its way. In the event that I would ever need to protect my children from harm or danger with my left fist...it would annihilate and conquer anything in its way.

Graf #14

2006-03-06T19:08:00.000-05:00

Reaction to sample Contrast Essays:
These essays are catching me on a bad day. It has been a long tiresome day and I am kind of cranky. To be completely honest, the contrast essays kind of made me sad. The writers are comparing two things, usually people. One of which is good and one of which is bad. The essays just left a pit in my stomach. Comparing mothers and stepmothers. One good and one bad. Comparing a father and a brother. One lazy, one not. The thing that reacts with me the most is that when I think about what my contast essay is going to be, the ideas that I have had are also along the same lines of one good and one bad. One that makes me sad and one that makes me really happy. I guess you have to take the bad with the good, but sometimes it would be nice to just take the good and leave the bad to rot in the woods.

Graf #13

2006-03-06T19:00:00.000-05:00

Research history:
My research history includes a lot of time on the internet looking at websites about the different questions that I am exploring. I LOVE Ask Jeeves!! What a good starting point when you just don't have a clue where you are going! I have also seen a lot of weirdo websites that look like the people who set them up simply just want a website. No point or direction to those sites. It also includes hours and hours and endless hours of observing my kids and going through their trials and tribulations with them. I have been talking to some people about what they think of certain topics and I have been a fly on the wall in various places to see how different parents react to different situations. Overall, I have a good starting point, but still have a long ways to go.

Isearch 'What'

2006-03-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

What I know about raising my kids to be the best kids that they could possibly be? I know all and I know nothing, depending on the day. Somedays, especially when things are really working and going smoothly, I am convinced that I could run a nation. On the not so hot days, changing a simple diaper confuses me. No point in taking over a nation on THOSE days.

What I know about my childrens socialization? I know that when they had 20 kids to play with everyday in daycare, they played primarily with me. Now that they are no longer in daycare, I bring them to a playgroup thinking that they would be more than eager to leave Mumma's side for a bit and "chat" with little people their age. And who do they insist on playing with? Me! So either I have two mega-attached kids with a terrible case of separation anxiety, OR, maybe in the first couple of years of a childs life, it's not the quantity of kids to play with that matters, it is the quality of their interactions between people they choose ( and are made) to be around. Hmmm...

What I know about discipline? I know that there is nothing more frustrating...or rewarding, than disciplining my children. I know that disciplining my three year old not only depends on the day, but the exact hour that we are in. A strategy that worked gloriously for me only minutes before (and made me beam with delight) may need to be thrown out the window only seconds later (and make me cry like a baby). With my 16 month old, the methods that worked well with Bryce when he was her age, don't work quite as well on Casey. She is new to this discipline thing, so consistency and follow through is key. When they both decide to have a tissy fit at the same time, we divide and conquer. My husband takes one and I take the other to calm them down separately and figure things out. This works. I did have someone say to me once (and sadly, I quote) "In order for me to respect a child, they need to show ME respect first and foremost!" What a bunch of hodge-podge, backwards thinking, holier than thou, I-walk-on-water-and-you-don't BULLSHIT! I have never felt more disgust towards a statement than that one. How can a child show you something that they are not being shown? She obviously never heard the phrase "lead by example". Maybe THAT is why I don't work for the lunatic at her daycare anymore...Hmmm...

I don't know a lot about birth order. I do know that my children are as different from each other as peas and carrots (or fire and water on some days). I don't know if it is because one is a boy and one is a girl. Or if it is because one was born first and one was born last. Or if it is just because. This should be fun.

I know that when they are in other places, we have to work just a wee bit harder than usual to keep them in check. My kids are explorers. They like to touch things, they like to see how things work (or how things break...) They like to climb and they like to jump. They know the boundaries at their own house, but when they are at Grammy and Grampys, or a friends house, or wherever, it takes some experimentation (and sometimes some discipline) to see where their boundaries are. They are fast learners and they listen well (most of the time, of course) so this is okay with me, too.

Finally, I know that I am CRAZY about my kids. I know that they are not perfect, but to me, they are a perfect 3 year old boy and a perfect 16 month old girl. I know they do all the things that kids their age are supposed to do (fits and tantrums included). I know they are the first to check on someone who is hurt and the first to kiss a baby when it is crying. I know that they are going to test their limits and push their boundaries. I know that they will not always choose right over wrong. And I know that it is up to me as their mommy to make sure they are guided in the right direction and to guide them with constant respect and encouragement. Because afterall, a child cannot show something that they are not being shown!

Essay #2 - Classification

2006-03-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

Beep, BEep, BEEp, BEEP!! The alarm clock screams in my ear. It feels much...too...earl...I doze back off before I could finish my thought. 9 minutes later and sure as snow, the clock screams again. 5:09 am. I shake my husband to consciousness and fall back in to comfort on my warm pillow. This time though, it wasn't as easy to get back to sleep. I toss and turn and toss some more, but nothing works. To the kitchen I go to get a drink of water and no sooner did I stand up that I had to put my sleeve to my nose to catch the instant drippage. Then I start to realize how much my back aches. Come to think of it, so does my neck, head and shoulders. Heck, I think my fingernails even ache. This can't be good. Feels like a cold coming on. I can't afford for this to be any more than a good cold, though. There are three types of colds, the Good , the Bad, and the Ugly. And right now a good cold is all I am willing to give.

The good kind of cold starts like this. I stand up from bed. It is still 5:09 am. My knees crack. No more than three steps later and my head starts to pound in sync with the worst of all high school marching bands. Pins and needles fill my nose and the outside feels like sandpaper from the compulsive blowing in the middle of the night. How is this a good cold? Well, it goes like this. I know it is there. It is undeniable, but it doesn't take me completely out of comission, just out of the rat race. After a couple of strong doses of medicine, I could go to work, but why sneeze in someones soup? So I lay low, take it easy, go slower, ask for help, and go to bed when the kids do. I forget about the laundry in the dryer and the dishes in the sink for the day. It just forces me to slow down a little instead of going 150 miles per hour all day everyday. And it feels good to do have to do that sometimes.

The bad kind of cold is a little more defunct. I get up at 5:09. The same symptoms apply as above, only this time it goes a little further. I stumble out to the kitchen moaning and whining the whole time, hand to my forehead. After a drink of water, the pins and needles that had previously filled my nose now invade my entire head. I can't breath without snorting up phlegm and I can't talk without my eyes watering. Going back to bed, I stumble like a zombie, tripping over the kids toys and cursing those danged legos that I forgot to kick out of the way the night before. I couldn't be more uncomfortable. Work is out of the question. Food eludes me. Though chicken broth and gingerale sound like heaven on earth. So I lay in bed in the fetal position cuddled up with a box of tissues. I doze back off for 5 minutes at a time for the next 2 hours. I wake up hoping and praying that I have seen the worst of it. Nyquil and sleep will be the cure-all, end-all of this ordeal and it wont have to cross over in to the Ugly.

The Ugly. 5:09 a.m. I stare at the ceiling. Again, all of the above same symptoms apply, the sandpaper nose, the pins and needles, watery eyes, the absence of an appetite, but now it feels a little like I have been kicked in the stomach. Contemplating my next move, I decide to get up to go get that drink of water. Three steps later and I realize that if I HAD been kicked in the stomach, then it MAY have been a big bull moose that kicked me. Nausea is an understatement. Four more steps and my mouth starts to water and fills with that metally taste. I realize that no matter how I decide to get there, I need to get to the bathroom as soon as yesterday. I cover my mouth and start to run whole heartedly stepping on that same darn lego from before. I would curse, but I don't want to take the safety net away from my mouth. Only 10 more steps and I will make it...to...the... ... ... ...bathroom...So I made it to the bathroom, but kind of missed the potty. I look in the mirror to clean my face and brush my teeth and realize that I look like a train wreck. I go back to bed (yes, after cleaning the bathroom and spraying it with an entire bottle of Febreze) with the intention of sleeping, but I am convinced that I am dying. Every fiber in my being is hollaring at me to put them out of their misery. Maybe I should get up and start writing farewell letters to my loved ones. I would, but I can't lift the pen to write with. So I lay in bed and try to get back to sleep. My head is spinning and I am seeing stars. And my TEMPERATURE...it feels like I am burning alive!! I start to pray "Dear God, please let me live through this vile sickness that I have picked up from the kids who picked it up from the other kids who picked it up from God (thats you!) knows where. I will do anything. Anything at all, please just let me..." Oh damn, I have to get to the bathroom again...and so goes the cycle of madness. It could last 1 day, it could last three. However long, it is the worst feeling in the world, until...

The next morning, after managing to get some sleep in blocks and chunks, I wake up cautiously. I don't want to move too quickly to disrupt my stomach. I sit up and realize that the bull moose that kicked me in the stomach yesterday now just feels like a cocker spaniel today. Could it be that I am getting better? That I am not going to die afterall? I look over at my night stand. The Nyquil bottle is empty and the tissues are overflowing the trash can. I laugh. There is a water bottle untouched and cold toast with a bite and a half taken out of it. Toast!! That sounds GOOD. I walk out to the kitchen, stepping much lighter than before and even walking AROUND the previously elusive lego. Toast and Gingerale fill my gullet and I even go back for more. The sun is shining and I can even keep my eyes open to see it. It is going to be a great day.

Prompt Reaction Week #7

2006-03-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

Dump your trashbin on the floor, pull on your rubber gloves, and start hunting for the truth that only your throwaways know...

It was a Thursday. The kids and I were getting ready to go to the Y, run some errands, and get home to clean the house before company came. As usual, I wasn't moveing fast enough and 5 minute simple tasks were taking a half hour. The last thing I need is my cell phone then we can go. Where could it be. I try calling it from our home phone. I ran upstairs to see if I could hear it. Nothing. I ran downstairs in the closet. Still nothing. Until our 16 month old daughter opens our trash can cupboard and starts babbling excitedly. "You have got to be kidding me!" My phone chimes its final chime as I walk over to the cupboard. I look in the trash can and not only does it STINK it is beyond full. It sounds like my phone is miles deep. "This is going to be cute."

I look for the rubber gloves which, of course, have disappeared! Decide to go full force in to the task and start sifting through the trash. Not before I put the biggest trash bag that I can find over my arm for protection from the "elements". Here goes nothing. In my trash can is this:

An ice cream box (Neopolitan for those indecisive days), 2 spaghetti o's cans, 10 diapers (3 stinky and 7 not as much-don't ask me how I know this!) Bills, bills, bills, that have just gone out or are just coming in, lettuce and italian dressing fragments, some stuffing and left over meatloaf from the night before, some molded macaroni from our refrigerator from God only knows when, my suglasses (so THAT'S where those went!), 2 spoons (she's helpful, but sometimes alittle TOO helpful!), a note written to my husband before I went to work explaining that Bryce was not to have any more snacks or Strawberry milk until he actually ate a real meal, a pen and 3 markers, a 2005 calendar, soppy paper towel that cleaned up this mornings Strawberry milk accident, more paper towel with unidentifiables on them, some tissues, a dinosaur gummy snack bag and a Care Bear gummy snack bag both empty, a rough draft of an english 101 assignment, 2 more diapers, both of which are beyond stinky (I think at this point that I am going to throw up), some cereal from morning with random banana slices and FINALLY my CELL PHONE covered in shmagma that I don't want to know about. After all that work, nausea, and lightheadedness from the vile smell, I decide to leave my phone where it is. Let it rest in peace (once it dies it's slow death) at the bottom of the bag because I wasn't about to touch whatever was covering it. I chalked it up as a loss and added Walmart to my list for the day to get some new child safety locks for the trash bin. And, oh yeah, US Cellular for a new cell phone.

Freestyle Week #7

2006-03-04T11:44:00.000-05:00

SHE'S HERE!! My very first niece!! My sister had her baby this past week and she is beautiful!! Little Annabelle came to us on Sunday, February 26. She was not so little coming in at a football players weight of 9 pounds and 6 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long! She has stunning blue eyes and facial expressions that make me giggle. Her little hands are immaculate and I can just tell she is going to do something amazing with them someday. It is funny how quickly you can forget how little they are, the little noises they make when they sleep and the way their fingers hold on to yours so tightly when they are relaxing in your arms. I have always known the feeling of a mothers love for her child, (for the past three years, anyways), but once you feel that love, its as if it has always been with you. You can not remember a time without that love. I am here to say that the love an auntie feels for her niece is not so far off a mothers love for her child. I miss her everyday and think about her all the time. Almost as if she were one of mine. I am so happy for my sister and her husband, but even more happy for their daughter that she gets to spend her life with two people as loving as her mommy and daddy.

Annotated Source List

2006-03-03T08:57:00.000-05:00

1. http://www.raisinggreatkids.com/questions.html
This website has a list of 21 questions that I can ask yourself as a parent to help guide me in my thought process about what I could be doing differently and what seems to be working well for us. I can click on every question and there is a brief description behind each. Example: Do I respect my kids? Do I use guilt to get my kids to do what I want them to do? I have found this website to be very helpful with parts of my isearch.

2. http://www.vtaide.com/png/ERIC/dev-social-competence.html
This website I have been using primarily as a social development cornerstone. It tells the differences between three types of disciplinarians (the authoritarian parent, the permissive parent, and the authoritative parent) and what kind of behavior issues that a parent would run in to using these different approaches to disciplining their children. It also tells of different situations that I could put my children in socially to help them grow as much as possible in a healthy way.

3. Rosen, Peg. How to Raise a Really Good Kid. March 2006. Page 126.
As if they knew I needed their help, this magazine has had a couple of articles relevant to my isearch this month. The most major of which is this one. It gives tips and advice on things to do to help my kids grow up with really big hearts. The most prevalent of suggestions is to lead by example...Now where have I heard that before?
and
Laliberte, Richard. The Difference Between Boys vs. Girls. Parents Magazine. March 2006. Pg. 102
This article outlines differences in the sexes as children go. How boys naturally navigate to cars and trucks (and don't forget the dinosaurs!) and girls head toward the dolls. I haven't seen my girl do this, yet and I am not sure she will. She navigates towards whatever our son does. It also tells how boys and girls brains are different and how certain parts of the brain develop at a higher rate in each leading to the major differences in the two.

Isearch 'why'

2006-02-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

February 26th, 2006
The reason why I am choosing to do my isearch paper on my kids and raising them to be the best kids that they can be is because they came in to this world trusting me. Everyday, they put their lives in my hands hoping that I don't mess up. I know that I am a good mom, but sometimes I just want to sit down and cry because I just don't know if I am doing the right things to help them to grow in to good little people. I know that I am a good mom, but I am not blind to the fact that there are always things that I could work on. It is hard being a kid. And I want to make their learning processes as pain free as possible. So, I figure, why not make it official and start actively looking for the answers to my questions. These are questions that have been brewing in my mind for a variety of reasons over the last three years.

August 19, 2005
I got done working at the daycare today. It has been two years that we ( I bring my kids with me) have been there and I think that it was time for a change. I FINALLY get the chance to stay at home (for the most part) with them and now I have CONSTANT guilt that they are not around enough kids like they used to be. When they were in daycare, I worried that they were not getting enough quality time with me. Now that I am home with them, I feel guilty that they do not have 20 friends to play with everyday. HELP!!!

When should I really start concentrating on social development outside of the home?
Am I hindering their social development by not putting them in playgroups, or is it enough for right now that they have each other?

November 15, 2005

I think that I am just realizing that Bryce and Casey are two completely different beings. Sometimes I feel like they only thing they have in common is that they were grown in the same belly. I am still feeling guilt, but now it is because this discipline thing is HARD!! I feel like I spent more time with Bryce when he was going through his little trials because he was our only one. Now that we have two, I feel like I cannot spend as much quality time with Casey because life is now more of a juggling act. I am trying to kiss a scrape on Bryces knee while cleaning up the poop that just exploded up Casey's back. I feel like I am shortchanging Bryce because his time is now divided and I feel like I am shortchanging Casey because she never had that time. Sometimes I find myself comparing the two, but how can you fairly compare night and day?

How much does the simple difference that one is a boy and one is a girl matter on their personality? On their attitudes? On the things they like and don't like?
What is true of Nature vs. Nurture? I know that all kids are born with a certain disposition (Nature), but how much does my influences (Nurture) have an impact on those qualities that they are already born with?
How much does birth order affect their individual personalities? Attitudes?
Should I be disciplining Bryce and Casey the same way even though they are two totally different people?

January 27, 2006

They always act so much different around other people. Not in a bad way necessarily, but they really try to push the envelope when they are at Grammy and Grampy's house. New people, new things to get away with?

How much does it matter that outside influences (grandparents, babysitters) "parent" in the same way that I do? Does it help them to know that the rules are going to be the same no matter where they go?

February 26, 2006

Think that I will go work on my isearch some more. Lots of questions. A good kid starts with a good role model and a good role model HAS to know that a little help never hurt anyone!!

Intro #2 to Classification Essay

2006-02-24T07:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a good day, but today not so much. Yesterday, we made our big, fat snowman. We sledded to their little hearts content. We had our snowball fight. We went to bed feeling good and happy with the warm fuzzies all over. Looking back on it now, I am thinking that those warm fuzzies weren't the good, happy feelings that I had (but how cute and naive of me to think so), but instead they were the makings of a cold. Today, my head is throbbing (the snowball to the ear didn't help that), my back aches. Heck, my fingernails ache. My nose feels like it is filled with pins and needles on the inside and feels like sand paper on the outside. I tried to lay down, but I can't get comfortable. I just took a drink of water, but the pins and needles that occupied just my nose, now are taking up space in my entire head. Great. I can't afford for this to be any more than a good cold. A good cold, you ask? Yes. There are three types of colds. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And right now a good cold is all I am willing to give.

Prompt Reaction Week #6

2006-02-24T06:29:00.000-05:00

28. A picture postcard view and you hate it because it belongs to anyone with the money to buy one. If the tourists ever got past the obvious, they'd see what you see.

The view from our front yard is a picture postcard view. In fact, I took a picture the other day that could be a postcard. We walk out of our yard, across the street in to our neighbors yard, and directly in to the ocean. Or we walk out our driveway and to the right for about 30 seconds and walk right down the stairs on to the rocky beach below. So why do I hate it so badly? Am I selfish? Greedy? There couldn't be a more ideal place on earth to live. Not a car zooms by our house in the winter. The kids and I can go for a 3 mile jog around our loop and not pass a single car. When the tide is right, we can smell the seabreeze from our porch. Yet, I hate it here. There must be something wrong with me. No, I don't think so. What it is, is that where you live has MUCH more to do than just the location of our house. When we built our house 4 years ago, we were building on dreams and the idea that things would be perfect. Now, really, I know that nothing will ever be perfect, and to expect as much is just, well, selfish. Little did we know at that time though, that in order to be truly happy, the placement of our house, no matter how beautiful the setting, really had very little to do with the outcome of our happiness. The reason is this, the people down here (for the most part and based on a big generalization) are ugly. They are mean, unhappy people muttling through their lives. The mommies compete with other mommies to see whose toddler can kick a ball the furthest, say words the earliest, and run, not walk, before they are a year old. When one comes up short, they suggest seeing a doctor to make sure everything is okay. Neighbors threaten other neighbors with mindless, shallow remarks about their dog barking. They also build pillars in their driveways to keep the town school bus out. People judge you on the car you drive and from what year it was manufactured. What kind of furniture you have and if you got it from Pottery Barn. They bring "keeping up with the Jones'" to a new, almost psychotic level. And the tourists? I think they have it pretty good. They have the beautiful view every summer AND they can go home every fall and rest up for the next season. And they get to bring their postcards with them. Not such a bad thing afterall.

Freestyle Week #6

2006-02-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

350 MILLION DOLLARS...My head starts swimming with thoughts and ideas as to what one human could possibly do with that much money. The topic came up a time or two this week. We ventured out to buy ourselves a ticket (or 5). This is something that we never do, but in the spirit of competition, why not? My husband and I talk about the possibilities. Aside from the obvious, the donations, the trust funds for our kids, paying off all those darn BILLS, would we really have a better life? We would have to hide out for a while from new found "friends" whose Aunt Martha in Kentucky suddenly came down with this mysterious illness that only love and 2 million dollars will cure...not to mention the crazies and stalkers around here who would want to be in on the action. I know that we could do a lot of good with the money. Heck, we could practically buy World Peace with THAT much money. I am pretty sure, though, that overall, our lives would be much more hectic and confusing than it is already. And, lets be serious now, I think our lives are confusing enough without anything else complicating matters further. Mine is anyways. So all I can say is this...to the man in Ohio? Arkansas? Nebraska? who won the Powerball Jackpot this week, good luck and peace be with you! You had a better chance of marrying a supermodel, but you did it, you overcame the odds!! Maybe now, that supermodel isn't so far behind!

Intro #1 to Classification Essay

2006-02-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

Beep, BEep, BEEp, BEEP!! The alarm clock chimes in my ear. It feels much...too...ear...I doze back off before I could finish my thought. 9 minutes later and sure as snow, the alarm clock goes off again. I shake my husband to conciousness and allow myself to slip back in to comfort on my warm pillow. I hope he doesn't go back to sleep, I just turned the alarm off! Before dozing back off, I notice that my back aches. Come to think of it, so do my shoulders, legs, arms, and head. Must have been all the fresh air yesterday playing in the snow. The big, fat snowman still stands in its place on our lawn. We found the biggest little hill that we could find for sledding and we had a great snowball fight. Maybe THAT'S why my head hurts! I did take a snowball right in the ear! A couple more hours of sleep will do me some good. I wake up to the sun sneaking in through the blinds at 7:30 am and shuffle around a bit. I am still achy, but movement will help. I stand up to take a good stretch, but before I can even get my arms up to ear level, my nose starts to run faster than I can get my arm to my nose. Uh-oh. The aches, the sniffles, I feel like I have been punched in the eyes. This can't be good. I wonder what kind of cold I will have this time. There are three kinds, afterall, the good the bad, and the ugly!

Graf #12

2006-02-23T13:35:00.000-05:00

Reaction graf to classification essays

I have to say that the sports fanatic essay was my favorite. It was funny, it made me laugh, and it kept my attention the whole time. When I first met my husband, he was a baseball (Red Sox) fiend. I couldn't stand it and hated everything about it, but after a while, I would find myself watching the games with him, and eventually even (gasp!) watching them before he got home. I can even hold my own in a conversation about those darn Red Sox and watch NESN in the morning to see what the latest deal they failed to make was! Our daughter was born 9 hours and 56 minutes after they (FINALLY) won another World Series, leaving us with only about 3 hours and 15 minutes of quality sleep between when we finally turned the T.V. off from the post game shows to when we had to be at the hospital! A game that can make you that crazy can't be all that bad, can it?

Background for Isearch

2006-02-23T13:06:00.000-05:00

April 18th, 2002
Found out I was pregnant today!! It's about time! I am SO excited! I can't wait for him or her to come! I wonder what it will be...boy or girl...blue or pink? I wonder if I will be a good mom. Afterall, I have heard that in order to have a good kid, they need to have a good parent.

January 8, 2003-
HE'S HERE!! Our not so little bundle of joy came today at 7:58 pm. Holding him is like holding the world in my arms! But why am I so nervous? I am supposed to be so ecstatic. I am, but I think that I am just as scared that this little boys entire life is in my hands (literally and figuratively). What if I mess up? What if I don't do things right? I wonder what it takes to raise a good kid, I mean a REALLY good kid. I wonder if I should start reading those instructional books by the authors who are parents who seem to know all the answers. I wonder if they have "Parenting for Dummies"? Sounds like a good place to start! I wonder if we will have ANOTHER one?

October 8, 2003-
Well, my husband finally convinced me that we should have another child. Things are going so well with Bryce. He is a really good baby. Full of life and personality. He makes us laugh everyday. We don't want another one tomorrow or anything, but I think that we are going to at least start thinking about it.

March 6, 2004-
Found out I was pregnant today! So much for waiting a while. But things are going so well, why wait? This parenting thing has been an easier transition than I thought. Bryce will be a great big brother. He is such a kind little boy. He is 14 months so that will make him about 22 months when the new baby is born. I wonder how having a sibling will affect him? I wonder if the new baby will be just like him?

October 28, 2004-
SHE'S HERE!! Our tiny little peanut arrived today at 9:41 am. Bryce came to the hospital to see her. He gave her a BIG hug...probably a little TOO big, but she didn't seem to mind! She opened her eyes when she heard his voice! Casey already seems to be a little different than Bryce. More relaxed. God, I hope I can do this. I know that I am a good parent to one child, but now I have to divide my time. Give them both enough individual attention while making sure they know how important they are to each other. I wonder if Bryce will love Casey as much after he realizes that she is staying. I wonder if he will be jealous or if he will want to be around her all the time. I wonder if I can raise two really great kids...

Graf #11

2006-02-14T06:44:00.000-05:00

Meta-graph

I sat in our office looking at the computer. The words on the screen told me to pick a topic for my newest assignment, Essay #1. I started to get one of those awful stress headaches, my hands got all stiff, and I think that I started to talk to myself again. How can I find a topic original and fresh . I have a one track mind. My family. Some new material might be nice. Nah, maybe next time. As I was sitting, wracking my brain (and my forehead), I realized my kids were a little too quiet. Never a great thing. They are NEVER quiet unless they are sleeping or getting in to the candy stash. I walked out in to the living room to find my son standing on the back of the couch trying to scale the wall...he had the confidence of Spiderman...my daughter had her daddys gloves and Mummas hat on...but it's too cold outside....and that is how my topic came to be.

Essay #1

2006-02-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, covered in three blankets, laying on 2 pillows...shivering. After breakfast, it didn't take long for our kids to ask to go outside. I looked at the thermometer...0 degrees, hey! It's warmed up, but no, we would still have to wait to go outside. I walked in to the living room just in time to see our oldest standing on top of couch trying to scale the wall. He had the confidence of Spiderman. It didn't take long for him to thunk with a splat back down on the couch. He gathered up his broken three year old little ego and asked if we could make cookies. GREAT IDEA! Just what Mumma needs. 5 more winter pounds! Super! Oh darn, we are out of eggs. Let's see, we could make a lettuce salad. That is about all that we have left. When our youngest walks out with her daddys gloves on, 20 sizes too big, and my Red Sox baseball cap on her head covering everything but her little chin, I knew that it was time to brave the cold. Here we come, Old Man Winter, we are coming to play. As we went outside, I took with me the confidence that even in the dreadful cold, there are still three things to really appreciate about the winter weather. We get to have snowball fights, there is nothing like sledding in the cold air to help us sleep better at night, and we get to make snowmen...We just can't do that in the summer!

Our boy is 3 years old and our daughter is 15 months. They LOVE the snow. Even our little one. Our oldest is at the age where snowball fights are funny. He gathers all the snow he can, sticky or not, to try to chase us around the yard and get us with snow. We can really have fun with snowball fights. I take our daughter and hide around the corner of the house, both of us with snow in our hands. My husband has our boy and the biggest snowballs they could possibly carry. "We're coming to get you Mumma!!" His little voice echoes through the neighborhood. All of the sudden we meet, arms cocked up in launching mode. 3-2-1!! Snowballs start flying everywhere. The 4 of us are covered in snow! Our kids start to shriek and giggle in belly laugh style. Their laughs are contagious. Who needs the inside?

Next, we walk down to our neighbors house to borrow their driveway for sledding. It is just the perfect size "hill" for our little rugrats. They have a blast going down the hill together. The look on our daughters face is PRICELESS. I never knew that little eyes could get so big! We don't have to stay long before they are ready to go home. Afterall, walking back UP the hill is a lot of work! We pull them back to our house in their sled. We look back and notice their little eyes getting droopy. My husband and I look at each other and smile. The indoors is SO overrated!

Back at our house, we start the last task of our busy day. Building the biggest, fattest snowman that our yard would allow. First, we roll the base ball and strategically place it right in the middle of our yard. Then, the middle piece just a little smaller than the first. Before we place it though, our son has to use the base a few times as a catapult to jump to the ground below. What a turkey he is. Finally, the head of our man is in place. We put the wooden eyes, mouth and buttons on. Then the carrot nose and his wooden pipe. A masterpiece. Our son names it...Frosty (Hmmm, interesting!)

Finally, it is time to go inside for the day. The warm air hits us like a hurricane. We are absolutely exhausted! We muttle through dinner and smile when it is late enough to go to bed. 7:30. Perfect. We are all sound asleep by 7:35. What a day. What a great day. I knew that winter was a great place to be. Even with all the winter annoyances, the insane costs of heating oil and the fact that we have to fill up the tank for at least three months in a row just to stay warm, the season could actually be made in to something good. Things may stop working as well as in the summer (i.e. cars and joints- knees, elbows, and shoulders) and a "quick" trip to the store actually takes an hour and a half by the time we get all bundled up. After a day like this though, it all seems so worth it! And besides, snowmen just don't look as good made out of sand.

Prompt Reaction Week #5

2006-02-12T23:16:00.000-05:00

Propmts 17-25 combined (except 23):

"You've lost WHAT? Where is it?" My mom was FURIOUS! "Youd better find it and put it back before your father gets home, Young Lady!!"

Now I knew she was just dillusional. Afterall, you couldn't put back what I had just lost. And DAD! I had never even thought about Dad finding this out. I was going to be sick. It was then that I knew I had done something terrible and I would be going straight to Hell. I broke in to a cold sweat. I was shaking and babbling to myself. I CAN'T go to Hell. August in Maine is too hot for me...imagine my discontent in Hell!! So, I tried thinking rationally. "Pull yourself together," I thought, "Go wash your face and GET IT TOGETHER! Dad will be home soon. Maybe it wont be so bad. We are all adults here, aren't we?"

No sooner did Dad drive in the driveway than I broke down again. I was a mess. It was Judgement Day and I was doomed. Mom and Dad talked first, then it was my turn and the battle begun. "But Dad, I LOVE him...he is great and I love him!"

My dad was so angry that he didn't hollar, he didn't yell. He just talked calmly. That was the worst punishment on EARTH. Yell, scream, throw things, but don't talk calmly...that's TORTURE! He proceeded to say all the things that dads are supposed to in this situation...I was too young to be doing this...Sex is a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly...I had NO idea what love was yet...I was 17. I was responsible (?!?). How could I not know what LOVE was? After an hour or so of what seemed like endless lecture, the guilty party had been named. It was me (shocker!) and as a punishment, I couldn't see my boyfriend again for a while. It didn't last long before my dad and my boyfriend had "a talk" and I could start seeing him again. We dated off and on and off again for 5 years. It was certainly a learning process. We were just kids and we had so much growing up to do. We took from that relationship the knowledge of what we wanted (and didn't want) from our next relationships. This knowledge proved very helpful for me on January 29, 1998.

My sister and I were at the gym when I spotted him. A stranger had come to town. A perfect, beautiful stranger. As I talked to friends, as near to the stranger as I could get, I made it blatantly clear where we would be going out that night, hoping the stranger would take a hint. That he did. My friend and I hadn't been at our destination for long when I saw the stranger walk in and up the stairs. I think that I felt the Earth move under my feet. I had the feeling that nothing would ever be the same again. This stranger and I danced the night away and we didn't stop talking. He was amazing. Could I be in love already? Really? I hadn't believed in that stuff before.

That night turned in to days, turned in to weeks, months, and years. Fast forward 8 years to the present day, February 12, 2006. It turns out I WAS in love all those years ago. Love at first sight had made a believer out of me. That man changed everything that I thought I had known up to that point. I had never known love before him. My dad had been right. That man showed me everything that was supposed to be in a healthy relationship and he gave it to me. That man that used to be a complete stranger is now my husband. My hero. The only man that I would ever dream of continuing on this incredible journey with.

Graf #10

2006-02-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

Reaction to sample isearches:

My favorite isearch out of all of the samples was the one on weightlifting. Not because of the topic, but because of the way it was written. It detailed each new topic with its own heading. I knew exactly what I was reading about in each paragraph. It was almost in outline form without completely straying away from the fact that it was indeed a research paper. When there is too many words all mushed together and too many paragraphs, I have a hard time staying focused. My mind starts to wander and my eyes stray. Comes from not reading any books over 10 pages long with lots of pictures for the last 3 years. This isearch catered to me as a reader. That made it nice. And I came away with a lot of ideas for my own paper, from all of the isearches, but especially from this one.

Outro to Cause Essay

2006-02-12T21:42:00.000-05:00

So, we all know that there are many winter annoyances. The insane cost of heating oil, coupled with the fact that we have to fill our tank every month for at least 3 months in a row is a big one. Even though it is just too cold to hop in the car for a quick trip to anywhere, and the fact that things tend to stop working in the intense cold (i.e. cars and joints-knees, ankles,shoulders), winter can be a pretty good time. We may have to look a little harder for it and it may take a little more time getting there, but the good times are there and can be had by all. Besides, snowmen just don't look as good made out of sand.

Intro # 2 to Cause Essay

2006-02-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

Winter. Bah humbug. I woke up this morning with sweatpants and a sweatshirt on, covered by three blankets and sleeping on two pillows...shivering. Got in the warm shower. I just wanted to stay there. I knew the second I turned the hot water off, there would just be more shivering. Our kids asked if they could go outside. I looked at the thermometer. 0 degrees. Hey, it had warmed up, but no, we would still have to wait. They asked if we could make cookies. GREAT IDEA. Let's make more cookies so I can gain 5 MORE winter pounds. Super. Oh darn, we are out of eggs. Let's see. We could make a lettuce salad. That is about all we have left in our fridge. Not knowing what else we could possibly do, my kids and I sat down to watch "Dora the Explorer"...again. Despite all of the winter shivering and not being able to just jump in the car for a quick trip to the store because it is just too cold for people (and cars), there are three things to appreciate about winter. The tourists go home (!!), after a bunch of 0 degree days, a 30 degree day actually feels warm, and we get to go sledding. You just can't do that in the summer.

Freestyle Week #5

2006-02-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

God, my life is crazy. That was the feel of my day on Thursday. It wasn't a bad day. Afterall, any day with my kids can not ever be rendered a bad day. It was hectic, though, confusing, even a little chaotic. I couldn't complete an entire thought in my head without having to start a new one all day. Our oldest did not stop talking and our youngest did not stop squaking. Together, they argued over every toy in our house. All day. There were too many places to be and our friends were coming over that night, so on top of everything else, our house needed to be cleaned. Cleaned enough so at least our company didn't stick to random fruit snacks on the floors. So after our trip in to the grocery store, Walmart, and the Y so our kids could let off some steam, the kids and I came home and took a nap. Well, they took a nap. Time for me to clean. No sooner did I get the dirt on the kitchen floor swept up in to a neat little pile that our daughter woke up from her 23 minute nap. She came toddling out, rubbing her eyes and walked straight through my dirt pile. At that point, I just had to sit down and laugh. If I didn't I would cry. Our daughter sat with me on the kitchen floor and pointed to the dirt "pile" and babbled her best babble . We played for a bit, got up and wiped our pants free from the dirt. Our son had woken up by that time, but somewhere in between their snacks and the shows, I managed to neaten up the house. Dirt piles and all. Our friends came and went. Soon, it was time for bed. As I was laying in bed thinking of the days events and what I had to get done the next day, I managed to fall asleep.

The next morning, my husband left for work, but before he did, he brought our son down to lay with me. Our daughter was already occupying her space right next to my side, so I fell back to sleep, both of my kiddos by my side. It was only 5:30 in the morning. Hopefully, we still had a couple of hours of sleep left. What seemed like 10 minutes later, something woke me up. It was 7:15. I looked over at our kids. They were laying forehead to forehead cuddled up peacefully beside each other and holding each others hand. My heart melted. God, my life is beautiful.

Prompt Reaction Week #4

2006-02-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

13. Take a look at a photo of a person. What do you see?

I have a picture. It is of a man and a child. The child is an infant, actually, not more than a couple of days old. It is not the infant in the picture, though, that holds me. It is the man.

In this picture, the man is standing in the middle of a room. He is craddling the infant in his arms looking down at her. The man is incredibly handsome. His features are distinct and exquisite. He is a tall man. His hair is very dark and his eyes piercing. He is a strong man. It looks as if his hands could bring someone to their knees with his touch, which creates even more beauty considering how gently he is holding the child. He is looking at her like she could bring him to his knees.

The man in this picture is my grandfather. The infant is me. My grandfather passed away 2 weeks after I was born making this the only picture of the 2 of us together. I have not seen this picture for so many years. My parents are not sure they have ever seen it. They do not remember it. How could this be? Is it my minds way of trying to hold on to someone that I so desperately wanted to know? After countless discussions with my parents, I stand firm in my belief. I couldn't have made this image up. It is too crisp, too clear in my mind. The picture is real.

Either way, every time I come across old pictures at my parents house, I go through them hoping the picture will jump out at me and say "Here I am!! You found me!!" so I can turn to my parents and say "Here it is!! I found it!!" Until that day comes, I will hold on to that picture in my memory hoping for the day when I can finally hold it in my hands...again.

Freestyle Week #4

2006-02-05T23:06:00.000-05:00

Ah, football. And in tribute of today...the Superbowl! What a great excuse to get together with friends, eat way too much food, and drink way too much beer (or soda). Oh, did I say excuse? Sorry! I just figured that it can't actually be the game that millions of people are actually celebrating...can it?

Millions of men and women are all doing the same thing tonight. They are sitting on couches, chairs, even floors in front of T.V's both big and small to watch the game. Many of these people have never watched another single minute of football this season, but are still drawn to the party, the food, even the game. Some watch for the commercials (they are good!!). Some watch for the half time show. And then there are the others. The die-hards. The ones who actually watch for...the game. These are the people whose faces are donned with the make-up of their favorite teams colors. They wear their teams jerseys, helmets, and even carry the footballs. They wont miss a second of the game. The highlights, the replays, the commentary, they will see it all. They are the men and women in the front row of every living room across America. They shout at their T.V. like they are at the game and the players, refs, and coaches are listening. They are so passionate about this silly game. A game where men in tights run around on the field chasing another man, also in tights, carrying a funny shaped pig skin ball, hoping to tackle this man so hard that his teeth rattle. The harder the hit, the better the play. And then, God willing, the teams get that sacred touchdown (or 2...), that silly little dance that they do in the end zone is enough to make anyone giggle (or they could choose to take out their Sharpie marker or air phones to celebrate, but that is a topic for another day!) Finally comes the end of the game where one team will certainly prevail for millions to cheer while millions more scoff at their teams loss. The MVP gets to chant his timeless quote: "I'm going to Disney World!"

The next morning, there will be only be a memory (and a mess) of what filled the room the night before. Popcorn and chip crumbs on the floor, beer and soda cans (hopefully) in the trashcans, and the lingering smell of Buffalo Wings in the kitchen. While the night was probably great fun, all I have to say is this...Thank God it is February and almost time for Spring Training...GO RED SOX!!

Intro #1 to Cause Essay

2006-02-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

Winter can be a time for ho-hums and humdrums. The weather can be much too cold to play outside and our house is much too small to play inside. The air is so cold that it actually makes me shiver just by looking outside. Even when I am bundled warm on the couch, the outside air still chills me. When I can SEE the wind blowing a blue-ish, gray tint across our yard, rattling the Radio Flyer wagon that dons our doorway, it's definitely a day to stay inside. Far away from Old Man Winter. He can't touch us in here!!
But then, it will certainly come. As sure as the sun shines (on a summer day, anyway), it happens. My two little rugrats start trying to, literally, climb the walls. Up the back of the couch and with the confidence of Spiderman, start to scale the wall. Of course, they only get so far before they thunk with a splat back down on the couch. When our littlest comes out with her daddys gloves on, 20 sizes too big, and my baseball cap, covering everything but her chin, I know it is time to get them bundled and battle the outside. The walls can only close in so much before we decide that something has to be done about our winter blues. So, here we come Old Man Winter, we are coming to play. Even with all of the cold weather and shrunken walls, there are three things we appreciate about winter weather, though. We spend much more time on the important stuff...making cookies and doing crafts, there is nothing better than spending some time outside in the cool, crisp air to help us sleep better at night, and we get to make snowmen. That is something that we just can't do in the summer.

Graf #9

2006-02-05T22:15:00.000-05:00

Post Reaction to some of the Cause Essays:

These cause essays were very insightful to starting my own cause essay. Some of the examples were fun to read, some I wanted to read twice. Some I skimmed over and some I really took notice of.

I really liked the cause essay by Stephen Worster about the plant closing that he worked at and the different sets of tolls that it took on him being psychological, physical, and financial. The ending was great when he pointed out that the chinese symbol for crisis and opportunity is the same.
I also really liked the one where the author told of three different teachers in his life that had made an impact on him. Mr. Licht, Miss Grove, and Mr. Lord. It left a big impression on me when he was telling of Mr. Licht and his terribly mean and hurtful words coaching. How he would call his students a fag if they were not being tough enough. When the author said that he would rather be Mr. Lichts idea of a fag then his idea of a man, I really took notice and wanted to read it again.
Of course, the essay byDawn-Marie Ackerley hit me too about the 3 ways to fall out of love being dishonesty, fear, and selfishness. It makes you think about your own relationship and hope for the best.

These cause essays were a very big help in looking at the ways that I am going to start to think about mine. They gave some good ideas and even helped me with some things that I want to stay away from. These three especially were the ones that were most helpful.

Graf #8

2006-01-30T21:47:00.001-05:00

B-M-E

Bryce has never been what you would call a great sleeper. As a baby, he got up 3 times a night. Now, he still finds a reason to get up most nights. He will want to talk for a while, get a drink of water, go "pee-pee" (hey, he's only 3, his vocabulary is still very innocent!), so when I heard him through the monitor that night, it didn't surprise me at all. That is, until I realized that this time was MUCH different!

"Mumma, Mumma, MUMMA!!! HELP ME, HELP ME! PLEASE! NO!"
I woke instantly, my heart already in my stomach. I stumbled as fast as I could up the stairs, one eye open and the other one still peeled shut. I made it to his room in 2.2 seconds. He was screaming!
"Mumma, there is a monster in here...Be Careful!! It's over there. It talked to me and moved and ev-we-thing!!"
His first nightmare. My heart broke. He was sittng in my lap by this time, his arms FIRMLY wrapped around my neck.
"Honey, I am sorry you are scared, I think that you had a really bad dream." By this time he had calmed down to just sobs.
"No, Mumma, I don't sink so. The monster is over there!"
"I will go check for you, honey. Would you like to come with me?"
"NO WAY!!"
I walked over to the corner that he pointed to. There was his dinosaur castle and a few other toys. Nothing that really stood out. I turned around to walk back to his bed. Then it happened. The monster came alive. I almost passed out, I think. And I may have said a word or two that isn't age appropriate to a 3 year old. Oops.
"What the...?"
"See, Mumma, there it is. The monster!!" He started to cry again. I went back to see what it was. On the other side of the wall in the hallway was a stuffed tiger that sang the "In the Jungle" song while bee-bopping his head to his own beat. I always hated that thing. A tiger singing a song about a LION sleeping is the jungle. Bizarre. I picked it up to show Bryce.
"Honey, it's not a monster. It is this tiger. The batteries must be dying and that is making the tiger sing!"
"Can you fix it?"
"I can try..." I couldn't get the batteries out without finding about 3 different tools so I brought it downstairs and put it under some blankets so he couldn't hear it any more. I would try to fix it in the morning. I went back upstairs to go tuck him in again.
"Would you lay down with me?"
"Sure, honey..."

After about 10 minutes, I had almost made it back to sleep. My eyes were burning with fatigue.
"Mumma, are you awake?"
"Yes, baby, I guess I am."
"Thank-you for helping me with that cweepy tiger."
"Your welcome." I had to smile.
"Mumma?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too, honey." Again, he makes me smile.
"I'm going to go back to sleep now, mumma."
"Sounds good."
"Mumma? You really should, too!"

Graf #7

2006-01-29T23:47:00.001-05:00

Things

I have this box. It is a Victoria's Secret box that I have had for 8 years. In it are things that my husband has given to me, mostly at the beginning of our relationship. The first of which is the first picture that was ever taken of the two of us together. I looked like a child. I guess that is because, looking back on what I knew, I WAS a child. There is also a Valentines card from 1998. Our first holiday together. Next is a note that he wrote to me one day that he hung up in the middle of my apartment for all to see. Silly boy. There is also another card that he gave me after our first fight. There is a hand towel from a trip that we took up to St. Agatha snowmobiling when we first got together. I remember that being from when I started laughing way too hard at something while I still had soda in my mouth that it all came out my nose. Cute...(Knowing what a wise guy my husband is, he wanted me to keep the towel as a memento. What a sweetheart!) Finally, there is the box that held my engagement ring and the diamond headband I wore the day of our wedding.

There are many things that I have that are important to me. Besides my family, though, all of these things are replacable (except the pictures). That box is something, though, that holds significance to me. They are all things that my husband gave to me and each has its own story. It signifies the start of our relationship and how far we have come since then. The box has made it through 4 different times that we have moved and now occupies its very own space in its very own drawer of my nightstand. It will stay there until the next time we move or when I feel like bringing it out to reminisce. I actually don't think that my husband even knows that I still have it. Maybe the next time I bring it out will be the time that I let him in on my little "secret".

Graf #6

2006-01-29T23:26:00.001-05:00

Unique

I am a person passionate about my family. Physically, there is nothing that screams unique about me besides the tatoo on my lower back of a soccer ball with sun rays around it that I got when I was 19. Mentally, I am sound. Emotionally, not so much. I am one of the most emotional people I know. I can cry during a car commercial if the wind is right. When I am happy, I am giddy like a school girl. When I am mad, I rival the Incredible Hulk. That's just me. I know the entire Disney Channel morning lineup by heart and every word to the "Dora the Explorer" theme song that my kids and I dance, dance, dance our hearts out to everyday. I am crazy about my kids and my husband is the love of my life. Family is everything to me. I am a good friend and my mom and sisters are my best friends.

There are many things that make me unique and they are things that I would not change about myself because they define who I am as a mother, wife, and friend. Many people do these same things that I do, but not in the same ways that I do them and that is what makes me who I am. Good and bad, right and wrong. That is who I am.

Prompt Reaction Week #3

2006-01-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

10.

A man walks in to the restaurant and takes a seat at one of the back tables. He seems pre-occupied, almost annoyed. He is looking over a folder. It looks very official. I hate waiting on people like this. It feels like I am bothering them. Interrupting their train of thought. But here goes nothing. I have to do my job, afterall!

"Can I get you a drink?"
"Uh...sure...I'll have a...coffee. Decaf!! No better make that regular. I need all the help I can get!"
"Would you like any food with that coffee?"
"No..."

Well, at least that part is over and I can get on with other things. I bring the man his coffee and walk away. He stops me.
"I am expecting a couple to meet me here and when they arrive, we cannot be disturbed."
"Uh, sure, no problem."
Really? A business meeting at this tiny little restaurant? Doesn't he have an office? Can't he go there now? I guess he is going for the laid back approach. Might need another pot of coffee to achieve that. Poor guy.

In another corner, there is a party of four. Regulars to the restaurant. They are true Downeasters. The accent is thick. Their charm is contagious. They are talking about how the Lobster season just isn't what it usually is. Lots of "Ayuh" and "Yes, deah, wouldn'tcha know it!" I have to laugh. I always thought the accent was a myth started by Tim Sample. Until I moved here, anyways. It's no myth!!

Back in the corner, Mr. Uptight is looking like a trainwreck, but has piqued my interest. His party of two more finally arrive. I go in for the kill...
"Coffee?"
"Water for me and a Diet Coke for her." She shoots him a look.
"Pepsi?"
"What?"
"We have Pepsi, not Coke."
"Well, then a Gingerale."
Does she have laryngitis or something? Can she not make up her mind or does she not have a choice? I bring back the soda and exit left. It turns out the meeting is of the real estate kind. The man banters and deals. Tries to sell a piece of land far too expensive to people who would do anything for it. The meeting lasted forever.

Back in the kitchen, the cooks (all very young, most still in high school) talk about their drunken night. Again, I laugh. I come to the realization that I am now one of the old people that hear kids talking and shake my head at how rediculous they sound. I wonder if the "old" people shook their head at me when I was younger.

I start wrapping up my shift, finally getting ready to go home. I go out in the dining room one last time and see the man in the corner standing up. He was visibly irritated.
"I 'm sorry that we can't make this deal work" he says.
"Well, unless we want to sell our souls to the devil and live in a tent for the next 5 years, I just don't see how we can afford it."
"I wish I had known that before this meeting."
The couple was caught off guard by the mans brashness.
"We are sorry to have wasted your time. We were really hoping to make it work."
"Yes, me too."
He shakes their hand in a very cold manner and leaves the building. The couple stay for what they refer to as a celebration dinner. Celebrating the fact that they still have money to eat.

People come and go from the restaurant everyday. Some are the regulars and some are the staunchy business types. They all have their reasons for being there, usually to eat, but sometimes just to sit and chat. You hear things you probably shouldn't sometimes, but you just keep on walking and hope that you can find something else to do.

It has been a good shift, but I am glad to be going home.

Freestyle Week #3

2006-01-29T22:03:00.000-05:00

I wonder if people understand the magnitude of their actions. That the way they carry themselves directly affects how you view them as a person. I understand that some people just simply do not care what you think of them, and that is fine. To each his own.
Some people are so nice and easy to be around, you look forward to spending time with them, no matter what the capacity. Whether it be a customer at the restaurant or the bank teller who always makes it a point to give your kids a sticker. Cinderella for the girls and Spongebob for the boys. You actually leave smiling because of the little things they do.

Then there are those, and thankfully, they ARE the minority, that make you cringe when you see them. They carry themselves in such a way that makes you feel small. They turn up their noses and act like you don't exist. They are the people who put big, giant stone pillars on each side of their driveway so that the towns school bus can longer use that driveway to help it turn around. They are the people who back out of a commitment simply because it is no longer convenient for them. I wonder if they realize how they make people feel. If so, I wonder if that makes them happy. These people are fewer than many but they have the innate ability to make you sad for that moment in time. You have to work hard to make a conscious effort to not take their actions personally. After all, it is not personal, it is selfish.

Someday, the water that these people think they walk on will evaporate. They will be left to walk on the dirt that they think everyone else already walks on. And it will be the OTHER people, the bank tellers, cashiers, or WHOEVER...those people with the big smiles and bigger hearts that is there to help these people up and dust themselves off. Those good ones are the ones who truly make a difference, and the funny thing is that they don't even have to try. They just make the world a better place just by being in it.

Graf #5

2006-01-25T09:03:00.000-05:00

3rd person graf on inventory list:

She is not the neatest person, but she tries. Everything is not in the place that it should be, but aside from the bag of mini carrots in the drawer and the 2 beers in the door, everything is still edible and drinkable. She is aware that she could be more tidy, but she doesn't make time for that as often as she should. Her refrigerator is not stocked full with food. Condiments, maybe, but not food. Maybe it is time that she should think about doing some shopping. Two boxes of baking soda will certainly be sure to catch the lingering odors that food can produce, but is TWO really necessary? Judging from her refrigerator, she is hungry. Hungry for something beyond a bowl of italian dressing and maple syrup. Let's face it, condiments don't really provide much in the way of stick-to-your-ribs goodness. The kind that keeps you full and satisfied for hours. Maybe that is what her cupboards are for!

Graf #4

2006-01-25T08:35:00.000-05:00

Inventory List of her refrigerator:

In the door, 1st shelf:
Cocktail Sauce
Ketchup
Mustard
5 Dressings which include;
-French
-Italian
-Blue Cheese
-Russian
-Balsamic Vinagrette

In the door, second shelf:
Soy sauce
Teriyaki marinade
Strawberry jelly
Tartar Sauce
More Cocktail Sauce
Honey Dijon marinade

In the door, third shelf:
Pancake syrup
2 Bud Lights (from a barbeque in '03-born on date 09/03/03)
Chinese style sparerib sauce
2 boxes of baking soda
Jalepeno slices

Top shelf of Refrigerator:
1 1/2 gallons of milk
Olives
1 jar dill sandwich stacker pickles
1 jar sweet sandwich stacker pickles
2 sippy cups
Strawberry syrup for milk
2 opened containers Orange Gatorade
1 new 2 pack of butter
bottle of water
plastic soda holder holding...butter

Middle Shelf:
2 steaks thawing for dinner
regular hotdogs
another dill pickle jar, just the juice left-no pickles
package bologna
package cheese
grapes
1 yogurt
1 French Onion dip
1 travel container of applesauce

Botton shelf of refrigerator:
HUGE bag of apples
more cheese slices
shredded cheese
4 pack of Jell-o
cool whip
eggs

Left Crisper drawer on bottom of refrigerator:
3 jumbo sized oranges
runaway grape

Right Crisper drawer on bottom of refrigerator:
Celery
bag mini carrots ( seen better days)
2 brown bananas

1 Layer of grime over ENTIRE refrigerator

Graf #3

2006-01-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

Blog Hunting Report
I do have to say, contrary to my very first Freestyle post, this blogging thing has become quite intriguing. No longer do I think pen and paper is the way one should have to go. I am ready to make room for technology. I do have a lot to learn, too, though. I was going through other blogs in search of an inspiration for this Graf. People really go all out for these things. Music and pictures adorn their pages. People use multiple languages and funky shapes taking the place of words. Besides the spanish that my kids and I learn on "Dora the Explorer", I am not fluent in anything but English. As for the shapes people use in place of words, slow down!! I do not follow you!!! I am just learning! It is fun to see the many different personalities coming through in their blogs. Alittle scary at times, too. I don't think that I will ever become a blogging expert, but if I do I will know where to look for inspiration.

Freestyle Week #2

2006-01-22T22:30:00.001-05:00

How many chances do you truly get to right a wrong? Thanks to my very loving and supportive family, I get to right a big one. A big one in the respect that when I was 18 years old, I was not thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I was barely thinking about what I wanted to do with my day. The immaturity level was toxic. I was just blowing through my days in a whimsy. Not thinking about anyone but myself, usually. I was going to school for something that I thought would be fun and easy. And I was right. I did enjoy it, but I didn't put effort into it. Half-assing my way through. School was more a social time for me. Time to be with my friends. Time to pass by time until I could be with my friends. It took many years for me to grow up. And many years of intense patience on my parents part waiting for me to grow up (Thank-you!!). I FINALLY did, and I did so in grand style, if I do say so myself. I have made this amazing little family of my own. I no longer think about just myself. Sometimes it seems I barely think about myself at all on any given day. I have the best husband and two kids that I can't even put in to words. And thanks to my tremendously loving ( and patient) parents, the chance to right that wrong from so long ago by going back to school for something I can be serious about and proud of. Thank-you Mom and Dad. You are 2 of the 9 1/2 heroes in my life. And I couldn't possibly do this without you!

Prompt Reaction Week #2

2006-01-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

"Two went out, three returned..."
The day was Wednesday. The date, January 8th, 2003. Talk about a classic two went out and three returned bit. It was a VERY simple life. My husband and I went to work in our respective places. We met at home every night around 4:00 to eat dinner, watch a little T.V., talk about our day, and snuggle up to go to sleep to do it all over again at 6:00 the next morning. Oh, the things we took for granted. January 8th was different, though. And we haven't been the same since.

We both still went to work that morning. That all stayed the same. I went to teach my aerobics classes and direct my clients in an hour of personal training hell that they were more than willing to pay me for. It was a great day. A cold day. I got home from work and walked our beagle dog, Skylar. She was our baby. Cute as a button and ready to please. We finished our walk and I cooked dinner. I remember it so vividly. Grilled Chicken breast, mashed potatoes, and corn. Yummy. We were JUST finishing dinner and I started to have some stomach pains. At first, I ignored it, but then it became real. "It's about time!! You're only 2 weeks late, little boy. Are you sure that you are ready to come out and join us? Or do you want to stay in there for ANOTHER 9 months? I am big as a house already, why not?"

We packed up our car with the bag that had been ready for months. The 12 minute car ride was surprisingly silent. We weren't even thinking of the magnitude of this being our last car ride together as husband and wife alone. Oh, silly kids. We weren't thinking of the fact that we would never again have a conversation together without some kind of interruption. Rookies. If we had actually thought about it more, we should have tried to pack 3 years worth of conversation in to that tiny amount of time. But we weren't thinking about anything but whether or not the nursery was done, the laundry was finished, and Skylar's nails were groomed.

Only after 19 hours of sight stealing, mind numbing labor, it hit me. Our very simple life was over. Enter a 9 pound 8 ounce baby boy with eyes bigger than the ocean and bluer than the sea. He couldn't even talk and he had already captivated us with every noise he made. How could one little boy have such an impact? We returned home 2 1/2 days later with three, instead of two. We returned home to sleepless nights, spit-up stained shoulders, and poop up to our elbows. Chaos ensued. Throw out our neat, tidy schedules. Throw out our neat, tidy house. Enter one little boy with the personality of an entire army. It was a decision we enjoyed so much, we decided to do it all again 21 1/2 months later.

Stayed tuned next month for "Three went out, four returned"!!

Graf #2

2006-01-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

Worst Teacher
First, I guess that I have to start by saying this. I did not really have a TERRIBLE teacher. There were not any that were terribly mean or rotten. There were obviously some that I liked a lot more than others, but none that made my self-esteem plummet or made me think that I was good for nothing. In that respect, my teachers were were decent, helpful, even good.

In sticking with the theme of the graf, though, there is teacher that I guess I did like the least. And on top of everything else, it did not help that she taught MATH. The dreaded subject. I would rather scratch my nails against the very chalkboard that she was trying to teach me on than to ever devote ANY time to that blasted subject. She did not help the cause in any way, either.

She was a short lady. Hair that looked like straw and peppered all brown and white. Everyday, she wore those old marm skirts that fell down to her ankles and white shirts with the ruffly lapels on them. She talked in a long drawn out tone. THAT really helped me to stay awake. Why-oh-why did this lady want to punish me? I had done nothing to her. Except maybe fall asleep in her class a time or two. I didn't mean to, though! It was her voice that made me do it. Picture it..."Bueller?...Bueller?" I am sure she had the best of intentions, but, come on now. She always had a piping hot cup of coffee. It wasn't a little mug, either. It was one of those mega-ounce "Worlds Best Teacher" cups. I wonder who gave her that? The suck-up. They probably had never actually sat through one of her classes, not to mention, a whole semesters worth of them. As we would do our homework, our "busy-work", she would walk around the room and comment on our studies. Not only did she invade my personal space, she BREATHED on it. Oh the agony of coffee breath. "Good God, please make her go away so I can take a breath of that sweet, clean air again...God? Seriously now, I am turning blue and I will not inhale again until she leaves my air space...please God hurry...I...am...dyi...Oh THANK-YOU! I will say my prayers every night for a month!!" Now that I could breath again, I could turn my concentration back to scribbling numbers all over my paper and making it look like I really had my stuff together.

She had her favorites, of course. And I wasn't one of them for the obvious reasons stated in the above paragraph. There were those that everyone wanted the answers from. Why? Because they were ALWAYS right. And then there were those that just kind of muttled through. That was my group. The muttlers. As much as I dreaded that mundane class everyday, I think that she and I had an understanding. She wouldn't try to beat the dead math horse too hard (me) and I wouldn't send her home at night in tears wondering how someone could be so numb not to understand something as simple as...math.

Graf #1

2006-01-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

My hands that have seen a lot over the course of the years. I've had broken bones on the left hand from an "episode" during a soccer game my senior year. And wouldn't you know it, our next game was the biggest of the year. Did that stop me from playing? Somehow, no it didn't. I know, I know...you don't use your hands in soccer, so what does it matter? I was the goalie...

Fast forward to the present and the most important job that these hands are doing is holding my wedding ring on the left, a mothers ring on the right, and I get to hold the hands of the two best kids on the planet. To feel their little hands in mine is breath-taking. My hands get to help guide them. My hands are protectors. They are shields. They are even occassionally a napkin to catch something falling out of the mouth of our daughter before it reaches her shirt. My hands are a back-rubber and they are something to help apply band-aids to scrapped knees and wipe tears off cheeks. My hands are small but strong and I get to use them for the best job in the world, raising our kids.

Prompt Reaction Week #1

2006-01-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

"Alone in a quiet room, but what is really happening?"

A quiet room. Riiight...
Quiet, after all, is a luxury around here. And something that can only be found in THIS house after 10:00 at night. Our son FINALLY put himself to sleep after the third time of getting up to go pee and to give me a hug and a kiss. So, now, when my mind and my eyes want nothing more than to shut down for the night, it becomes official. I finally have some time for myself. I am still guarded, though, because my time never really seems to be my own. Even after the little ones are in bed, my mind still whirs with excitement about the things that happened today. Where did the remote REALLY go? Am I sure that my shift for Sunday is covered, so I can enjoy my day with our daughter? Where did our son learn to say THAT word? And with the conviction and perfect timing that he seems to say it? And finally the biggest question of the day. How did we get so lucky in this crazy wind storm we are having that when that 40 foot tree blew down, it just happened to miss our cars by 5 feet and only knick the corner of our roof, causing virtually no damage. Can we really call it luck, or is it maybe something much bigger than that?

In all honesty, this quiet room is actually louder than it was all day, with all of the mind noise going on. Things can get crazy. Our boy playing with the loudest, most obnoxious toy he can find. Our daughter discovering that the pots and pans and their respective covers make SO much more noise when being banged against the floor. The phone is ringing. The microwave is beeping. And still somehow, it is even louder AFTER they go to bed. Can my mind ever really shut off? I even dream about things that I have to do tomorrow, or in many cases, what I should have done today. Even the paint color on the walls in this quiet room is screaming at me right now to change it.

Maybe it is that quiet is not a luxury, but an absence. Something that I need to find, somehow, but how? Am I really that high-strung that I can't relax? I hope not, but right now I am not so sure. Maybe I do better when there is some noise. Quiet just may give me too much time to think about my downfalls and shortcomings. Noise gives me an excuse not to think about these things. It makes sense to me, but does that mean that I am a coward for not facing these so-called shortcomings. I know that everyone has things about themselves that they would change if they could. Maybe mine aren't so bad. Aside from being a little messy and not doing the dishes immediately after dinner (or breakfast the next morning), our house is nice. Aside from having tremendous bags under my eyes that seem to hang down to my chin, and having a belly of the mother of two under three, I am not so bad. So I am not Martha Stewart and I am not America's next top model. I am not out to conquer the world, just live happily in it. So I guess I say bring on the quiet. I am ready for it now. I don't know that I have ever been able to say that before, and believe it anyway.

Freestyle Week #1

2006-01-18T21:54:00.000-05:00

Blogging?? Really? Whatever happened to a world where you could just write things down on good old-fashioned paper with a good old-fashioned pen? For those who are computer illiterate (such as myself), reading that you had to create your own blog can be pretty intimidating. I mean, just hearing the word blog conjures visions of something that my son would bring in from the outside. Something that would require him to take a bath after the disposal of the said "blog". Don't get me wrong, I am definitely up for trying something new. Maybe, though, just writing the word down on that good old-fashioned paper a hundred times like you used to have to do on the blackboard at recess when you got in trouble for passing notes would be a good enough start for me. In any respect, and with all due respect, I will bull forward and see where this blogging thing takes me. One step at a time and with baby steps, because let's face it, it is not that good old-fashioned world that it used to be!